Tag Archives: humor

A Resolution By Any Other Name Is Still a Resolution

Jan 5, 2014 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 21 Comments

I don’t really do new year’s resolutions. Sometimes, I’m definitely tempted, but I know what will happen – nothing.

I’m one of those people who has to be ready to do or not do whatever it is; an arbitrary due date that forces me into trying to change some awful behaviour or other will only result in failure, at least for me.

It’s much better for me to think about what I won’t do rather than about what I will do. At the very least, it’s the kind of whimsical bullshit that puts me to sleep at night, so it does accomplish something.

As a result, I have created the list that none of you has been waiting for – the top ten things that I resolve to not do. I can now bask in the rationalization that sometimes, making new year’s commitments is very hassle-free.

1. Go parachuting. The only way I would do this is if the airplane is on fire and James Bond is not available to rescue me.

2. Pierce a body part. I pierced my ears when I was 17. That was enough. Starting a personal relationship with Hitler would be more attractive.

3. Get a tattoo. That whole fad is starting to get ridiculous, especially among the oldsters, who are making themselves look older by trying to appear younger. If you ain’t where you are baby, you’re nowhere, and that particularly applies to age.

4. Join Facebook, again. If you want to see narcissism in action, Facebook is the place to go. The oneupmanship/mea culpa crap is nauseating. The idea that we want to know your every move and your every lame thought – well, don’t strain yourself. I don’t need to know that it burns when you pee. Just quietly visit a doctor and quietly inform the source of your “Burnin’ Love.” Otherwise, this information is not important, and neither are you. In fact, I would rather eat a bug than read your stuff.

5. Eat a bug. I’m not planning on joining a reality tv series situated in some remote jungle where the only food sources are bugs, eyeballs and leftover toenails. Or something else that’s equally gross.

6. Enjoy shopping for a new bathing suit. Now, those of you who “know” me know that I hate shopping. Shopping for a bathing suit? Stuffing a pine cone up my nose would be an easier task.

7. Climb Mt. Everest. I gave up backpacks when I left the army. Ditto tents, cold beans and ropes. Doing that same crap in -50 while the wind is howling and you’re about to run out of air sounds about as logical as performing brain surgery with a pair of pliers. Just because “it’s there” doesn’t mean you have to do it. Cars are “there.” I don’t jump in front of them to see if their brakes are working.

8. Start eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. M calls this stuff “the dirty bird.” That is descriptive, isn’t it?

9. Open my own shoe store. I only like comfortable shoes and hate it when my feet hurt. I would never try to make people feel like they have to wear the crap that supposedly keeps them “fashionable.” Have you noticed those shoes that make a woman’s foot look like a hoof? Giant ugly platforms with squared toes that especially on petite women, call to mind Henry VIII’s armour. The feet, not the codpiece. Anyway, I’m relieved to see that they are starting to wane.

10. Run for public office. I don’t think that I’m suitable. Really. I’m not narcissistic enough, deluded enough, disrespectful enough or suffering from megalomania enough. Now, if only the rest of the world would listen to me. After all, I have all the answers. And remember, it doesn’t matter how you get there, only that you do.

See, that was easy, wasn’t it? Do you have a list of stuff you know you won’t do? Share your thoughts, please!

A Little Laugh Turneth Away Wrath, Commentary

New Year’s Come for Company Project

Dec 30, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 4 Comments

So this year, I’m going to be participating in Rule of Stupid’s rather suggestively named Come for Company project (RoS just can’t help himself!) where bloggers can support other bloggers who are maybe feeling left out at this time of year. He ran it last year and this year – with Rarasaur hosting – as “Company for Christmas”, but has since decided to do an expansion, an awesome idea! 🙂

Anyway, I think I signed up. Technologically, I’m not the brightest knife in the drawer. Er, sharpest bulb in the drawer … knife in the socket? Whatever. You know what I mean. The lights might be on, but there’s no knives in the drawer.

Nevertheless, drop by, take a look, decide if you would like to volunteer or maybe you would like to participate.

It’s a great idea! 🙂

A Little Laugh Turneth Away Wrath, Commentary

Fruitcake, Anyone???

Dec 28, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 22 Comments

I have an uneasy relationship with fruitcakes.

You know, the stuff you eat. Well, I suppose you eat it. I mean, from what I’ve heard, no one eats it. It gets shoved into the back of some cupboard, or into the corner of a freezer, and there it stays until is discovered, like an Indiana Jones artifact. You have to dig it out with a pick.

And by then, it will have acquired the density of a hockey puck.

But my questions is, if so many people hate it, why does it keep showing up on store shelves? Somebody must be buying this dreck.

And what about the people who make them?

If you stop and think about it, there’s an awful lot of fruitcake around at this time of the year, and if you can find one person who says he or she likes it, then you’re farther ahead than me, my friend.

My mother used to make fruitcakes. She would start in September so that they would age properly.

“Age” properly??? I don’t get it. They are the only thing on the face of the planet that doesn’t age.

If Armageddon were to occur tomorrow, the only thing left would be fruitcake. It would be a sea of fruitcake. You would have to elbow the fruitcake out of the way. Every fruitcake that everyone in the world has ever been hoarding would float to the surface, bobbing there like little brown pontoon boats.

Sorry. I just had to have a mini-rant.

Anyway. Once she had made them, she would store them in cake tins and every couple of days, she would take them out and paint them with rum.

Now, I’m half French. And I was raised mostly around my French relatives. And to me, and them, the whole fruitcake thing was a complete mystery. Why would you put this lurid neon fruit that you would never eat by itself for fear of contracting a dread disease, into a pan of perfectly good batter, leave it for months, douse it in rum, and then oooh and ahhh over it?

I suppose it had to be doused in rum. That was the only thing stopping it from getting up and walking out and starting its own colony.

Anyhow, once it emerged from hiding, my mother would spend the rest of the holiday coaxing, cajoling and ordering people to eat it.

I mean, I know that there used to be a time when fruit had to be preserved and anything sweet, especially at Christmas, was a delicacy.

But my goodness! We aren’t eating hard tack any more, so what’s with the fruitcakes?

And those blanched nuts on top of it. Yikes! The word “blanched” says it all.

To me, a fruitcake should be made with real fruit, dried or fresh, and not that stuff that has survived a nuclear winter. And if you want to add some real nuts, that’s good, too. I’d be happy to try some fruitcake that has been made with real ingredients.

What about you? Are you a secret lover of fruitcakes? Do you feel that fruitcakes have been unfairly targeted by discriminatory forces? What is your fruitcake opinion?

I’d be delighted to hear from you.

A Little Laugh Turneth Away Wrath

Finally, a Post!

Dec 20, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 12 Comments

It’s been a while since I did a post!

That’s because I’ve had waaaay too much to do and just trying to keep up with my reader has been difficult.

So here’s what I’ve been doing:

– completing courses that will lead to a major career change. I have a break coming up but I have to study for a big test. Sob.

– working, and right now it’s crazy at work although the end is in sight.

-getting ready for Christmas – and ready to explode because of it.

-shovelling snow. Actually, no. M has been doing that. It’s made me swear a lot, though. The snow, not M.

-whining about snow. Yes, that would be true.

-whining about the cold. Yup. Actually, maybe I should explode. At least that would be warm. And, isn’t this time of year supposed to generate warmth around my heart cockles? What are cockles, anyway? If I didn’t know better, I would say that they’re teeny tiny c***s.

-whining about having to dodge snowbanks while out in the cold on my way to the mall. Yay.

– whining about being overworked and tired. Check.

– whining about hearing “The Little Drummer Boy” for the 1, 274, 451 st time. If I catch him, I’m going to shove those drum sticks down his weird little throat. He should be playing computer games, not following babies and playing his drum for them.

– whining about that creepy little oaf, er, elf, who keeps trailing people around the mall and squawking at them in a high-pitched voice to buy stuff.

-whining. Really, the only whine I want comes out of a bottle. The whine that comes out of me is boring. But I have to. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be me.

And I gotta be me. Who else would want the job?

What delicious pre-Christmas things have you been up to?

Milestones

A Whole Year, with Thanks

Nov 8, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 17 Comments

So WordPress reminded me a couple of days ago that it was my anniversary! I’ve been blogging for a whole year! I think it’s time for a round-up!

October, 2012 – I started the year all serious. I was going to save the world from narcissists!

November – Still serious about the dreaded narcs. Was starting to realize that there was a lot more to write about, though, and a lot of interesting stuff to read, like why I shouldn’t fear potatoes and why google is better than yahoo. With names like that, recreational water torture is probably better.

December – I wrote a couple of rants about the holidays. I hate shopping, so shoot me now. Happy Thankshallowmas. Jenny Pellett thought this was great – thanks, Jenny :). Btw, there are lots of great writers around here named Jenny .

January – I was back at work after some medical leave and then got sick. Go figure. Water was a central feature of my life.

February – I did a couple of fairly well-received posts on narcissism and then moved on to other things.

March – I was back ranting and/or commenting again and began thinking about changing the name of my blog.

April – I changed my name! No more Mr. Narc Guy. Well, mostly.

May – I wrote a lot of random stuff. And then I wrote a post called Random Stuff.

June – I did some whining about how I’m not a morning person. You’d think that I would have this out of my system, but oh no. I just found out that non-morning types live shorter, unhealthier lives. If I wasn’t awake when I first started reading the article, I was certainly awake afterward. Since then, I have radically changed how I deal with sleep, I eat healthier, I exercise more … yeah, right.

July – I dipped my toe in the fictional waters again after a long absence.

August – M and I got married!

September – Waaahhh! I broke my computer! When it recovered, I started whining about the holidays again. Yup. That would be me.

October, 2013 – Only one post from me, because I’m monumentally busy with a change-of-career project that I’m working on. I’ve been reading all of you, though, and enjoying your posts thoroughly! 🙂

But this post together with a post from Rarasaur got me thinking. How long do we bloggers last? The shelf-life seems pretty short. Many people whom I started following last year don’t post anymore, even though they were doing well. Is keeping up the blogging harder than people anticipate? Do many not really understand what they’re getting into and how they are essentially making a commitment when they click that “follow” button? What do you think? Any thoughts about this?

In any case, I want to send a sincere thank you to all those who follow me or have clicked like – I appreciate you all. 🙂

Commentary

I Am NOT a Morning Person

Jun 2, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 34 Comments

Why is it that the morning people dominate the world??? Discriminatory, I say! My rights are being trampled on!!

Night owls of the world arise! You have nothing to lose but your sack time, and that’s already happening! We need respect! We need understanding! We need coffee!

I hate mornings.

I really hate mornings when you’re with someone who’s all perky and bright and chirpy.

They sing at you: La da ti da dahh di da doe mi so la fa dahhh …

That’s what it sounds like to me. Then, because you don’t respond because you can’t understand them, they sing at you again, more loudly this time. It’s like having a gong go off in your head.

And because you aren’t like them, they can get all huffy and defensive and even start viewing you as a lesser species.

A word of advice: it ain’t about you, morning lark.

If you think that there’s no such thing as life after death, you haven’t been to my house and seen me get up in the morning.

M. is the same way. Only worse. He looks the way I feel. Slow. Lumbering. Somambulant.

If you really poke at me, I can start acting like a pissed off velociraptor. A confused one.

Nothing looks right. It’s all so briiiight, and faaast, and loooud. And I hear and see it all in slow motion, no kidding. The lights are on but nobody’s home.

Coffee is my saviour. Without coffee, I wouldn’t wake up until four o’clock in the afternoon. I wouldn’t be able to deal with plumbers, meter readers, letter carriers, work, or breathing.

If life operated the way it should, I would go to bed at one o’clock and get up at nine. I would be functioning and contented, if still not fully awake. But our 24/7 world doesn’t allow for this. We have millions of years of evolution screaming at us to go back to bed, especially while that storm is raging outside, but we have to shoehorn ourselves into a work life that our biology hates.

I really sometimes wonder what we’re doing to ourselves. Do you?

A Little Laugh Turneth Away Wrath

Random Stuff

May 26, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 12 Comments

So, I’ve been really busy and haven’t had a chance to post for a while. I realized just how busy when I took a look at my last post and saw that I was supposed to give eleven random facts about myself but didn’t. Why eleven? I have no idea, but that didn’t even register when I was doing the post…

All right. I’m digressing again. To finish the last post properly, here are eleven random facts about me:

1. I am fourth-generation former military. My son makes five.

2. I once met George Bush Jr. before he was president and had a chance to talk to him. His wife was nice. He was an idiot.

3. I am “double-jointed,” especially in my hands, elbows and shoulders. My legs used to be the same way but aren’t any more because I’m two seconds away from officially becoming ancient.

4. Every time I have the gall to think that I’ve figured something out, God or the prophets or Murphy (you know, the Murphy’s Law guy) smites me (smotes me?) to make sure that I don’t get above my raisin’.

5. Water follows me everywhere, especially into my basement where it keeps finding new places to drip.

6. I’ve eaten prairie oysters and enjoyed them. For those of you who don’t know, prairie oysters are bulls’ balls.

7. I have a small extra rib on one side, colloquially known as “Adam’s rib.”

8. I like to eat Swiss cheese and pickled beets. Together. I know. It’s weird.

9. I’m half English and half French. This should make me the perfect little Canadian but what it really means is that I can shrug and have a stiff upper lip at the same time.

10. My favourite colour is red. I like lots of other colours, too, but red rules!

11. I am NOT a morning person. I could do a whole post on this one. I hate mornings. They’re just so, so bright, and, and, bright. And I don’t like it when people around me leap out of bed and act all perky … see, there’s a rant coming.

Dadahhh! Done!

A Little Laugh Turneth Away Wrath

Making the Best of It

May 11, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 8 Comments

Happy..Happy.. Mother's Day :-).. — Happy..Happy.. Mother’s Day :-).. (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (Smile..smile…Smile..))

So it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and all you procrastinators and excuse-ridden forgetful people who are too lazy to get out of their own way better rush out and get a card, some flowers – even if you have to steal them from someone else’s yard – and then make your lunch reservations.

Lunch reservations?

Fuuuuck!

Probably too late for that now!

Now what are you to do? Standing there with a card that used to say “Happy Birthday” and to which you’ve applied a liberal amount of Wite-Out while your stolen flowers droop for lack of water and and your face resembles that of a robber’s horse?

Hah! I guess you’re just going to have to make the best of it and do what we used to do years ago before the commercialization of everything under the sun, including Hang-Nail Day. Ohhh, wait a minute. I think they forgot that one.

Nevertheless.

Here’s what we used to do – and I would do now if I still had my mom:

1. Make a card. When we were kids we used to make these really goofy-looking cards that were supposed to be endearing during the Friday afternoon art class before Mother’s Day Sunday. After my mom passed away, I discovered that she had kept a whole stack of these from me and my siblings. It’s not hard to go find a craft store, get a few simple supplies and make something that’s much better than you can buy.

2. Grow some flowers. Kidding. Actually, I did do this a couple of times when I was a child but I got the idea back in February. However. If your mom is into flowers or gardening, you could buy a plant that will bloom later in the season. In this hemisphere, our greenhouses are all just getting going and there’s lots of choice. There might even be plants available that have some blooms on them already. And don’t buy those tacky ones that they sell in the grocery store.

3. Make lunch. Or dinner. OH. MY. GOD. Make dinner? But I burn water, you scream silently to yourself. Don’t stress. If necessary, you can always buy something ready-made and just heat it up. Remember, the whole idea is for your mom to have a day off. And be sure to do all the clean-up. She’ll probably appreciate that more than anything else.

4. Last but not least. If all else fails, go to your mom’s place and do her cleaning or her yard work or her laundry for her. I don’t think that there could be a better present.

Happy Mother’s Day, moms, stepmoms, and all you people who have endeavoured to raise us and give us a good life!

A Little Laugh Turneth Away Wrath, Commentary

Necessary Evils

Apr 21, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 14 Comments

There are lots of things that I don’t like and they seem to fall into two categories – those things that I don’t like but have to put up with, necessary evils, you might say, and those that I don’t see any reason for putting up with at all. Today I’m going to whine about the “necessary evils” category. In no particular order, here are the top ten irritants that can really get under my skin and make me grit my teeth in irritation (clichés, anyone? I’ve got lots.)

1. Housework. I HATE housework. It doesn’t help that I also hate dirt and clutter and feel compelled to clean it up. As M says, I’m a bit of a germophobe. There’s probably a psychological explanation for this but I don’t know what it is. OCD, maybe? Maybe I’m turning into Howard Hughes? Hope not. He was weird. Actually, I think I’m better than I used to be – I can now tolerate a little slobbery.

2. Politicians. If ever there was a necessary evil, they are it. Most of them don’t give a hoot about the job they are supposed to do and only care about re-election and/or getting a plush post-political job somewhere. They can interfere – and often do – in the democratic process by throwing up obstacles to change and improvement in order to further their personal agendas and those of their cronies/henchmen. If the alternative wasn’t so dire, I’d advocate getting rid of them.

3. Tax Abuse. I actually don’t mind paying my taxes. We need schools, roads, hospitals and lots of other things. What pisses me off, though, is when I find out that some politician has used my (and your) tax dollars to stay at an incredibly expensive hotel while attending a conference that she didn’t attend. Then she has the nerve to change to another, more expensive hotel because she can’t smoke in the first expensive hotel. What are we running here? A smokers’ playpen?

4. Shopping. I am definitely not one of those women who can “go shopping” all day. It’s boring, crowded and hot. My mother loved to “go shopping.” As a kid, I sometimes had to go with her. She could do it all day, from store to store to store. She might come home with some mundane item such as a pair of hedgerow clippers, or most frustrating, nothing at all. I like to get in, buy what I need and get out, as efficiently as possible.

5. Big Box Stores. This is closely related to the above. They are gargantuan, crowded and hot and you can lose your car in the parking lot. (Gosh, I’m starting to wax poetical!) I can never find what I’m looking for and store employees don’t seem to know, either. All they can focus on is to get me to sign up for some thing or other that I don’t want but will only cost me $10.99 a month. I usually leave empty-handed.

6. Christmas Shopping. Noticing a trend here? I did a post about this one.

7. Airport Security Lines. You practically have to undress. No shoes. No belt. No this. No that. I once watched an elderly couple being put through this indignity and really felt for them. The man was in a wheelchair and they made him stand up. They at least could have done this in private. Now they want you to undergo some sort of looky peeky right through your clothes and skin in that machine that looks like it’s going to teleport you to Venus. What’s next? Taking us apart piece by piece?

8. Eating Fruit. I like my vegetables. I really do. But I’m not much of a fruit eater. I have to make myself eat this stuff. Some people think that this makes me crazy. Maybe I am and living in some sort of Matrix world. Knowing my luck, however, I’m living inside a cheap snow globe.

9. Doing Yard Work. The outdoor version of #1. And to add insult to injury, I don’t have a green thumb, but at least I don’t have to do it year round.

10. Working with Someone Who Drives You Batshit. I REALLY hate this one. It’s likely someone who wants to be your friend, too. They’re needy and often not very good at their jobs. I feel sorry for them. I try to be polite without being encouraging but this usually doesn’t work. Then I try to avoid them, a difficult proposition if you have to do a project with them. ARRGH!

What necessary evils make you want to scream into your pillow at night??

A Little Laugh Turneth Away Wrath, Commentary

On “Being” Canadian, Part 2

Mar 22, 2013 Lynette d'Arty-Cross 6 Comments

So I was noodling, mulling over how I was going to fashion part two on “being” Canadian, when Barack Obama put his size twelve tootsies into his mouth, both at the same time, and provided me with the perfect fodder.

It seems that while giving a speech on Israeli/Palestine relations, Mr. Obama compared the two warring nations (question – Is Palestine now considered to be a nation?) to Canada and the U.S. What he meant was that Canada and the U.S. sometimes disagree about things but that we eventually figure it out without resorting to violence, and that Israel and Palestine should get over themselves and do the same. What it sounded like was that we are at each other’s throats and that Toronto is Baghdad‘s sister city.

Twitter is beside itself with glee. The twittersphere is busy ~~twitting~~, sorry, tweeting, about a movement called #TheCanucksAreComing. Sounds like a bowel movement to me.

Some of the comments are really funny. Some are just plain stupid. Some are using this incident as an ~~excuse~~, oops, forum, to complain about Quebec.

Remember my comments from part one about how we can be smug and arrogant and have a self-esteem issue all at the same time? Well, some people might say that this goes a long way to proving it. The Canucks Are Coming?? In what way, exactly? According to the ~~twits~~, sorry, twitterers? tweeters? it’s going to look something like this (with my respects to the originators of these comments, I have taken some liberties and made some twits, er, tweaks):

Washington will need a wash after it has been set awash in a sea of poutine. [Will we need a pipeline for this??]

All U.S. hockey players are part of a sleeper cell. [Especially Tampa Bay.]

We will change the alphabet from “eh” to “zed.” [And add an indiscriminate “u” tu euery wurd.]

The Americans will face maple syrup bottle projectiles as militants of the Canadian Intifada cross Lake Erie. [We will cross with the guidance of the ice road truckers except by dog sled. More authentic that way. Waiting for Lake Erie to freeze, however, might be like waiting for, well, hell to freeze over.]

Wayne Gretzky is an embedded spy. [Which is why his hockey team can’t get to the Stanley Cup.]

There were lots of other comments about Tim Horton’s coffee and burning down Washington, all of which give some insight into the Canadian psyche. While many were quite funny, they also had something of a scathing edge to them. A little hurt, maybe; maybe even a little bitter. A little bit pissed off that the U.S. doesn’t pay more attention or isn’t more respectful or doesn’t turn to us more often for advice or help. After all, we have all the answers!

And we also need to grow up about it, too.

What do you think?