Tag Archives: Top Ten List

A Resolution By Any Other Name Is Still a Resolution

I don’t really do new year’s resolutions. Sometimes, I’m definitely tempted, but I know what will happen – nothing.

I’m one of those people who has to be ready to do or not do whatever it is; an arbitrary due date that forces me into trying to change some awful behaviour or other will only result in failure, at least for me.

It’s much better for me to think about what I won’t do rather than about what I will do. At the very least, it’s the kind of whimsical bullshit that puts me to sleep at night, so it does accomplish something.

As a result, I have created the list that none of you has been waiting for – the top ten things that I resolve to not do. I can now bask in the rationalization that sometimes, making new year’s commitments is very hassle-free.

1. Go parachuting. The only way I would do this is if the airplane is on fire and James Bond is not available to rescue me.

2. Pierce a body part. I pierced my ears when I was 17. That was enough. Starting a personal relationship with Hitler would be more attractive.

3. Get a tattoo. That whole fad is starting to get ridiculous, especially among the oldsters, who are making themselves look older by trying to appear younger. If you ain’t where you are baby, you’re nowhere, and that particularly applies to age.

4. Join Facebook, again. If you want to see narcissism in action, Facebook is the place to go. The oneupmanship/mea culpa crap is nauseating. The idea that we want to know your every move and your every lame thought – well, don’t strain yourself. I don’t need to know that it burns when you pee. Just quietly visit a doctor and quietly inform the source of your “Burnin’ Love.” Otherwise, this information is not important, and neither are you.  In fact, I would rather eat a bug than read your stuff.

5. Eat a bug. I’m not planning on joining a reality tv series situated in some remote jungle where the only food sources are bugs, eyeballs and leftover toenails. Or something else that’s equally gross.

6. Enjoy shopping for a new bathing suit. Now, those of you who “know” me know that I hate shopping. Shopping for a bathing suit? Stuffing a pine cone up my nose would be an easier task.

7. Climb Mt. Everest. I gave up backpacks when I left the army. Ditto tents, cold beans and ropes. Doing that same crap in -50 while the wind is howling and you’re about to run out of air sounds about as logical as performing brain surgery with a pair of pliers. Just because “it’s there” doesn’t mean you have to do it. Cars are “there.” I don’t jump in front of them to see if their brakes are working.

8. Start eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. M calls this stuff “the dirty bird.” That is descriptive, isn’t it?

9. Open my own shoe store. I only like comfortable shoes and hate it when my feet hurt. I would never try to make people feel like they have to wear the crap that supposedly keeps them “fashionable.” Have you noticed those shoes that make a woman’s foot look like a hoof? Giant ugly platforms with squared toes that especially on petite women, call to mind Henry VIII’s armour. The feet, not the codpiece. Anyway, I’m relieved to see that they are starting to wane.

10. Run for public office. I don’t think that I’m suitable. Really. I’m not narcissistic enough, deluded enough, disrespectful enough or suffering from megalomania enough. Now, if only the rest of the world would listen to me. After all, I have all the answers. And remember, it doesn’t matter how you get there, only that you do.

See, that was easy, wasn’t it? Do you have a list of stuff you know you won’t do? Share your thoughts, please!

What Women Want … for Christmas

English: Marcasite Brooch I have recently been...
English: Marcasite Brooch I have recently been very drawn towards vintage costume jewellery, especially marcasite brooches. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This post has been inspired by Jenny Pellett over at Characters from the Kitchen, who wrote about the plethora of “practical” items that keep showing up at this time of the year. Thanks, Jenny. It has also been inspired by a conversation that I had last night with M. Thanks, M.

I was in a long-term relationship with a man who was probably the god of practical buying. He provided me with everything from a remote car starter to a set of gingham kitchen towels. One year, he even bought me an expensive vacuum cleaner.

He wasn’t cheap but there also wasn’t a romantic bone in his body.

But I’m digressing. Here, without further ado, are my top ten Christmas suggestions for that significant lady. You still have time!

But, but, but, you say. “I don’t know her size, her tastes; I’m completely helpless with this sort of thing!” In this case, a gift card may be appropriate – personally, I like gift cards – they sure beat kitchen towels. But if it is not appropriate; for instance, if she sees gift cards as the height of laziness, she will appreciate the effort you have put into finding something non-practical, just for her.

1. Jewellery. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it does require effort and some thought to find something that she will like.

2. A large, soft scarf in her favourite colour. And if you don’t know her favourite colour, you’re in more trouble than I thought. Hint: if necessary, ask her best friend what it is.

3. Her favourite perfume or cologne. See # 2 above if you don’t know what it is.

4. A massage session. Who wouldn’t want one of those?

5. A pedicure or manicure. If you’re flush, buy both.

6. A written promise that you will make her a three-course meal, including clean-up. She gets to pick the date.

7. Her favourite bottle of wine or her favourite gourmet food item(s) or both. Again, see # 2 above.

8. If you can afford it, a weekend at a great hotel. You can make this as fancy as your pocketbook will allow and can add dinner at a great restaurant and/or a show and/or a spa.

9. A large bouquet of her favourite flowers.

10. A nicely framed photograph of the two of you. By nice, I mean something that suits her home decor and isn’t an Ikea special.

Under no circumstances – unless she has specifically asked – should you buy the following: anything for her car, anything for her kitchen, or anything that is remotely connected to cleaning and/or yard work.

Okay everyone. Any other suggestions?

Top Ten Signs That You’re Living with a Narcissist

Carson as Carnac the Magnificent, one of his m...
Carson as Carnac the Magnificent, one of his most well known routines (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since this is the time of year for top ten lists, here’s mine, with my respects to the late Johnny Carson.

 In reverse order, here are the top ten signs that you’re living with a narcissist:

10. While driving, he constantly looks at himself in the rear view mirror. This has resulted in a lot of rear ends.

9. His “bragging wall” now covers the entire house.

8. He’s always singing “I’m too Sexy for My Shirt,” even though there’s a picture of himself on his shirt.

7. You’ve taken to using an oxygen tank as he sucks up all the air in the room.

6. He’s in the Guinness World Book for the greatest number of cosmetic procedures ever performed on a single human.

5. He’s looking into starting his own country and you’re helping him to find an abandoned, isolated island for the purpose.

4. All the mirrors in your house have greasy spots from his nose and lips.

3. He admires the evil queen from Snow White and wants to steal her looking-glass.

2. He believes that Christopher Hitchens is much too mild-mannered for debate and that really, he could beat him in ten minutes, if Hitch was still alive, that is.

And the number one sign that you’re living with a narcissist:

1. Donald Trump is his hero but really, if he were “The Donald,” he would have been much better at it and would have made more money.

And that’s it, dear readers. I wish everyone a Happy New Year and all the best for 2013!