I don’t really do new year’s resolutions. Sometimes, I’m definitely tempted, but I know what will happen – nothing.
I’m one of those people who has to be ready to do or not do whatever it is; an arbitrary due date that forces me into trying to change some awful behaviour or other will only result in failure, at least for me.
It’s much better for me to think about what I won’t do rather than about what I will do. At the very least, it’s the kind of whimsical bullshit that puts me to sleep at night, so it does accomplish something.
As a result, I have created the list that none of you has been waiting for – the top ten things that I resolve to not do. I can now bask in the rationalization that sometimes, making new year’s commitments is very hassle-free.
1. Go parachuting. The only way I would do this is if the airplane is on fire and James Bond is not available to rescue me.
2. Pierce a body part. I pierced my ears when I was 17. That was enough. Starting a personal relationship with Hitler would be more attractive.
3. Get a tattoo. That whole fad is starting to get ridiculous, especially among the oldsters, who are making themselves look older by trying to appear younger. If you ain’t where you are baby, you’re nowhere, and that particularly applies to age.
4. Join Facebook, again. If you want to see narcissism in action, Facebook is the place to go. The oneupmanship/mea culpa crap is nauseating. The idea that we want to know your every move and your every lame thought – well, don’t strain yourself. I don’t need to know that it burns when you pee. Just quietly visit a doctor and quietly inform the source of your “Burnin’ Love.” Otherwise, this information is not important, and neither are you. In fact, I would rather eat a bug than read your stuff.
5. Eat a bug. I’m not planning on joining a reality tv series situated in some remote jungle where the only food sources are bugs, eyeballs and leftover toenails. Or something else that’s equally gross.
6. Enjoy shopping for a new bathing suit. Now, those of you who “know” me know that I hate shopping. Shopping for a bathing suit? Stuffing a pine cone up my nose would be an easier task.
7. Climb Mt. Everest. I gave up backpacks when I left the army. Ditto tents, cold beans and ropes. Doing that same crap in -50 while the wind is howling and you’re about to run out of air sounds about as logical as performing brain surgery with a pair of pliers. Just because “it’s there” doesn’t mean you have to do it. Cars are “there.” I don’t jump in front of them to see if their brakes are working.
8. Start eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. M calls this stuff “the dirty bird.” That is descriptive, isn’t it?
9. Open my own shoe store. I only like comfortable shoes and hate it when my feet hurt. I would never try to make people feel like they have to wear the crap that supposedly keeps them “fashionable.” Have you noticed those shoes that make a woman’s foot look like a hoof? Giant ugly platforms with squared toes that especially on petite women, call to mind Henry VIII’s armour. The feet, not the codpiece. Anyway, I’m relieved to see that they are starting to wane.
10. Run for public office. I don’t think that I’m suitable. Really. I’m not narcissistic enough, deluded enough, disrespectful enough or suffering from megalomania enough. Now, if only the rest of the world would listen to me. After all, I have all the answers. And remember, it doesn’t matter how you get there, only that you do.
See, that was easy, wasn’t it? Do you have a list of stuff you know you won’t do? Share your thoughts, please!
I just ate a Burnin’ Love hamburger at Red Robin last night. Not that you care what I ate… 🙂
Burnin’ Love hamburger? That’s great! 🙂
What a very great idea! I agree wholeheartedly with your first three. I would like to add
– I resolve to NOT get into any dirty ody of water just because all of my adult friends tell me to..i.e. lakes rivers etc
-I resolve to NOT worry what anyone thinks about how often I laugh.
-I resolve to not just “stand there” if anyone no matter their age is getting bullied.
Thank you! And NEVER worry about how much you laugh. The world needs more of it! 🙂 The bullying – I agree completely. Dirty water – yuck. Don’t let anyone push you into it! 🙂
OMG I am so laughing out loud here. You are priceless!
Parachuting – no had a B/F who did that… nope nope nope not gonna. Piercings – yep 2 ears that’s it. Tattoo – yep I admit I got one the name of my 16 year old dog that we had to put to sleep, very discrete though on my left hip and NO MORE! I’m also with you and shoving a pine cone up my nose or eating bugs! Stuff I won’t do – join the Roller Derby. Eat monkey brains – or any other for that matter. Swim with sharks. Go paint balling. I get bruised looking at furniture. Grow underarm hair… I know I thought I’d share. This was excellent- you lovely are a HOOT! 🙂 xx
Swimming with sharks – good one! I really don’t understand the urge some people have to do things like that. Underarm hair and roller derby – ha! 🙂 I’ve also thought about cliff jumping and collecting dog hair for knitting (I actually knew of someone who did that!). Aww shucks, Jen, a tattoo for your dear poochie? I completely get it. Dogs are people too. 🙂
Yup my pooch was a special girl & I thought if I would ever go through that bloody pain, it has to be for something worthwhile. But it hurt, so no more, dog hair knitting… That’s just ewe. Llamas, sheep, goats..not puppy dawgs. 🙂 xx
I don’t get that either. 🙂
Hi Lynette – great post. I definitely would not train for a marathon or even a half one – a brisk walk does me. I would not shop at Poundland or eat a kebab of any description. I would never get a tattoo either – I think you know my thoughts on that one – I even cross the road so as not to walk past a parlour. I am not going to bungee jump or do anything else that is potentially dangerous and I will never in a million years buy The Daily Mail.
I actually used to be really into the whole running thing until I smartened up and realized that I was doing more harm than good. What is Poundland? I’m thinking that it must be similar to our Dollar Store. If that’s the case, then I’m completely with you. Yes, bungee jumping seems pretty dumb to me. 🙂
Poundland must be like your Dollar Store. Everything is supposed to cost one English pound, although I believe the ethos there has gone out the window. Basically – pile it high and sell it cheap – the tackier the better!
I thought that might be it – the Dollar Store does the same thing and has some of the most dubious sources (literally) in the world.
This is great! These are the kind of resolutions I can live with…except the Facebook one. I seem to be hooked but at least I don’t post selfies or mention how many times my kid had a good crap and how proud I am. Sometimes the over sharing is just too much.
Isn’t that just something else? How self-involved can parents get? “Little Sammie had a nice long brown one today – Yay for me!” Yup, the over sharing can really be too much! 🙂
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YOU are a Narcissist Slayer! And YOU rock!!
http://madelinescribes.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/winning-the-narcissist-slayer-award/
Thank you!!! 🙂
I hate the ‘play by play’ on facebook too …but I stay there to keep in touch with some family and friends I don’t see very often… I show as ‘following’ you but I don’t see you on my list so I’m going to click the follow button again… Diane
Yes. The play-by-play is what can really irritate me, but I do understand about keeping in touch with those who are distant. I just love a good rant. 🙂
I checked again and although you were on my list …it showed that I didn’t receive notifications… so I fixed it… Diane
I’ve had trouble with this sometimes, too.