About Lynette d’Arty-Cross

Happy Canada Day

Happy Canada Day (Photo credit: Anirudh Koul)

I was in a relationship with a narcissist for almost three years and married to him for 18 months, which at the time, seemed like an eternity. After I extricated myself, I kept thinking that he needed a warning sign hanging over his head, preferably neon.

I was aware that he was actively seeking another partner and that some other woman (or women) would be subjected to his mental abuse. There’s nothing that I can do to help the women that he will specifically hunt, but I can send out a general warning. This is my little bit, my public service announcement, if you like. I went on a real roller-coaster journey where I was forced to learn a lot, and hopefully, because of my experience, someone somewhere will be saved from the suffering that being in a relationship with a narcissist will produce.

Because the man that I was married to is vindictive and vengeful, I will have to change dates, names, places and in some cases, I will also have alter events so that I and the people in my life are protected. However, be assured that my descriptions of what happened, of what I learned, and of narcissism in general and its effects, are truthful.

So, there is no gravatar. I cannot share my picture. I will not be displaying photos of pets, children or friends. I cannot really describe the work I do or where I live. I can say that I reside somewhere in Canada. I cannot provide links that might personally identify me. If all this caution sounds overdone and your opinion is that I shouldn’t be here if I’m that concerned about my privacy, then perhaps you’re right, but more important is my hope is that some man or woman will see himself or herself, and will be saved from, at the very least, a nasty experience.

I also hope to provide a forum for people who have had similar experiences to share their insights, views, suggestions, reading materials, websites, anything that might help to shine a light on the scourge that is narcissism. Or, if you just need to vent, that’s welcome, too.

Thanks for reading.

October, 2012

AN UPDATE … I’m moving on to exploring other topics. I will continue to post about narcissism but it will now have its own separate category.  Please see “Time for a Change.” Thanks again for following and reading; I appreciate you all. 🙂

April, 2013

53 thoughts on “About Lynette d’Arty-Cross

  1. I really do think this is important work. This is a good public service that can change lives. I will have to read more to see if I’ve ever dated one and how to avoid in the future. Thanks!

  2. Thanks for the honesty, and for sharing your experiences. I know there are a lot of people who will benefit from — and connect with — your insight. Myself included 🙂

    • After being with someone who lies for a living, I can’t have it any other way! Thanks for your comments – I’m sorry to hear that you went through a similar situation for so long – and thanks for following.

  3. There’s a saying that you should beware any man who’s in touch with his feelings – chances are those are the only feelings he’s in touch with.

    Very sorry to hear of your troubles, hope the future holds better things

  4. Wow Lynette. I found your blog through reading Scott Williams’. I was married to a narcissist as well…for 2 1/2 years (that felt like an eternity) and I did exactly what you recommend. I played the game while I got all my ducks in a row. I felt sorry for the “next one” too, but if they were anything like me they would turn a blind eye to all signs because he also had the top 10 things…how ironic! Great blog…I will recommend it (I’m a psychotherapist).

    • Thanks for your comments, Linda. It’s been disturbing (but also comforting) to learn that there are so many of us who are recovering from so-called relationships with narcissists. I recently learned that my ex-N is now involved with another target; he “inadvertently” sent me an e-mail that was intended for her. With a great deal of difficulty, I have restrained myself from contacting either him or her. I feel so sad for her, however. She has no idea that she’s about to go through hell and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s clear that she is turning a blind eye and thinks that she’s the one whose love can save him. I only hope that she has a good support system – she’s going to need it. Thanks for your recommendation – much appreciated!

      • Hi Lynette. Thanks for going to my blog! I really appreciate that. I remember when I heard about the “next target.” She was younger and had a twelve-year-old son. I was so worried about him that I called and left a message for her..something like, “run for your life,” with a few descriptive expletives. LOL. This was about 25 years ago and I would not do that now…or at least I don’t think I would. I think the hardest thing for women is the “battered wife syndrome…” it makes it so hard to leave. Great work you are doing, Lynette!

  5. This is wonderful information and it’s very smart of you to keep your identity private. Thank you for encouraging people to look for warning sings and stay out of abusive relationships. I am a self defense instructor and part of what I teach is to heed warning signs such as narcissism.

  6. Looking at the line-up in over 50 years of history it’s achingly clear that like alcoholism and child abuse, narcissism too frequently runs in families. We not only need to avoid them “out there” wherever possible, but being aware of our own so-called narcissistic injuries helps cultivate discernment within the framework we carry around in the wake of family legacies.

  7. Hi… just thought I’d drop by your page to tell you that I receive ‘double’ notifications from you re ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ and wondered if anyone else has ever as well…. not sure why this is happening…. ?? Diane

      • I just thought I’d mention it…I’m kind of investigating too… these weird things happen and usually it ends up being something easy to fix…. I just wondered if anyone else mentioned it or if it was something even at my end…. Diane

        • No one else has mentioned it but I have sometimes seen this happening temporarily with others. It’s funny – I got double notifications from you a couple of days ago but forgot about it because it just stopped happening. I only remembered it because I reviewed my archive. I have to say that I’m not the brightest technology bulb. 🙂

  8. Hi again… don’t worry about it …but it’s strange.. with one of the posts you ‘liked’ of mine I got it double….but then another one I didn’t … some temporary fluke I guess ..’not to worry’ you just asked me to let you know Diane

  9. I admire your work raising much-needed awareness, so I’ve nominated you for the Quintet of Radiance. More info here 🙂 Awardhttp://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/quintet-of-radiance-five-enobling-awards/

  10. Thanks for dropping by my site. I received your comment in my email, but i can’t for the life of me find it anywhere on my blog. To answer your question, i am not a pilot. Just plane (plain?) mad, lol:) Thanks again

  11. I just came across this, I have to say I truly understand the whole covert kind of thing. If you seem too cautious to people they mock you for acting like you’re ‘part of the witness protection program’, although at times you may feel like you should be, but they’d probably find you there anyway. The more I am starting to read about others’ takes on narcissism, the more I am starting to feel like these people go well beyond narcissism and cross into abusive territory. I also feel truly concerned now that I have become one of these people, but that could also be because the narcissists in my life have yet to be removed, and the mentally abusive do have a way of making you feel like everything you do is wrong, so who knows.
    I just wanted to say that I think it’s great that you have posted about this regardless of any concerns of caution you may have. I am not so smart about it, I publicly blast things as often as they occur because on the selfish end,I am starting to feel like someone may be able to understand at some point which will help me to escape and on the other end perhaps things will help someone else. Nothing of mine seems to be anonymous anyway, I’m pretty sure my computer, phone, and accounts are all hacked, but then that’s also paranoid delusional so I guess that can’t be true then… Anyway, happy posting

    • Hi Hippie7girl,
      I have to apologize because I just found your comment. Either I wasn’t notified or I just didn’t see it. More likely the latter. 😦 In any event, I’m very sorry for the delayed response.

      I have become somewhat less cautious and have loosened up a little because I don’t think it’s likely that my ex-narcissist will ever look for or find this blog. I have to say that at first I was a little paranoid too (although just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that there’s nothing to be paranoid about, of course 🙂 ) but as time went on, I realized that I had protected myself fairly well. There’s also the fact that (in typical narcissistic fashion) he hadn’t bothered to acquaint himself enough with my background to even understand that I might write about him. As an added measure, I have also protected his identity.

      By definition, narcissists are abusive. In my case, my counsellor also became concerned that he might try to physically harm me, and he did send me a couple of death threats. However, he also dished out a lot of mental abuse. I at one point truly felt like I was losing my mind – one of the lowest and most awful points of my life.

      I doubt that you are a narcissist. One of the things that narcissists thrive on is their ability to spread chaos and confusion – for them that feels comfortable and normal. The recipient, though, is kept continually off-balance and struggling – if you’re focused on mental survival there’s not much room left for anything else, including examining what they are doing to you, so you are easily controlled, too. It’s hard to plan, to think, to escape when you are completely diverted. It requires an enormous amount of energy, and narcissistic targets are always deficient because their energies are already being sapped. My ex-narc left me feeling more mentally exhausted than I had ever been before.

      To me you sound completely rational and intelligent, no paranoid stuff, or narcissistic stuff, going on at all.

      Thanks for your comment. I hope very much that you do escape.

  12. I also keep my blog anonymous, more to protect the abusers and save myself from their wrath, but it also helps to feel the freedom to write as we please, so anonymity isn’t such a bad thing

  13. If I understand the topic accurately, and I’m not absolutely certain that I do, then a forum where people could discuss such a condition, and what it might mean to another person to unwittingly become involved with someone suffering from said condition, could in fact be very helpful to that second mentioned person, if I made myself clear. After all, just your description of the lengths you appear ready to go to in your efforts to make sure this individual does not find you again, tells me life with that individual was far more than just a little unhappy. Your desire to save another person from going through the same hardships which you apparently suffered through is at the very least an extremely kind gesture, and at it’s best, very noble of you. Therefore, on behalf of anyone who may, as it later turns out, be helped through your efforts, to avoid falling into such a situation, say thank-you, and extend my sincere wishes that only the very best of outcomes arise from these wonderful intentions. Let me also, as a person very familiar with just how porous security on the Internet can be, suggest both with great humility, and utmost sincerity, that you exercise the most stringent cautions in how you present yourself while pursuing this endeavor in an open social forum. With all that said, however, this is one of the better ideas I’ve heard for a blog in quite a while, and you will certainly have a reader in me.

    • Hi dpb, thanks for coming by and leaving such thoughtful and kind comments. Yes, the person I was married to is likely a narsissist; he’s probably clinical because in him, I believe it’s a personality disorder. It’s a condition that’s on the same continuum as psychopathology; it’s just not as bad. I am not a therapist, but I am well-read and his behaviours fit very well into the descriptions and analyses I have found of those with narcissistic personality disorder.

      I realise that there’s really no such thing as internet security. I have taken what I consider to be reasonable precautions without being paranoid (I think!). Since that relationship I have changed jobs and have moved provinces (I now live in the Okanagan). I post under a pseudonym. No one I know is in contact with him. I very much count on the fact that he was never interested in personal details about me – he was only really interested in how much money/property I had and to what extent he could get his hands on it. The last I heard from him was an e-mail he sent a couple of years ago (I didn’t answer it) where he bragged about having found someone else. I think about her from time to time and wonder how she is, how she’s doing, and I hope that she’s no longer with him.

      I am very interested in seeing more of your photos. I am resurrecting an old interest in photography and planning to take a course or two when I find time around work.

  14. Pingback: Seven years of Broadside… | Broadside

  15. Great blog. Been reading your blog for a while now.

    I think i was in an on-line relationship with an N for a few months, i have never personally met him, but it sounds like the relationship consists of the 3 parts of an N relationship.

    I am just wondering though, towards the end, before he left, he kept telling me to leave him as he isn’t good enough for me over and over again and that i will be better off if he isn’t in my life. is it possible for an N to do that?

    and after a few months of no contact, he texted me a few nights ago to apologize and thank me.. I really am not sure if this is the hoovering part, since it was a simply a single text to which i did not respond.

    I am so sorry if i am rambling, i am still trying to make sense of it all.

    • Thank you very much.

      You’re not rambling at all.It’s very possible for a narcissist to warn his or her targets – in fact, I would say that it’s more likely than not. My ex-narcissist warned me a couple of times but I took (somewhat willfully, as I now see it) his comments as self-deprecating jokes. Contacting you out of the blue like that to apologise is also fairly common, and yes, he was likely trying to reel you back in. He might have been fishing for a temporary source of attention before moving on to someone else.

      It does take a while to make sense of a narcissist’s thinking. Their pretzel-like thought patterns are difficult to figure out and understand. Don’t rush yourself – allow yourself to mull this experience over.

  16. Hi Lynette. I met you over at Jill’s blog about my novel. I saw “narcissistic” on your page and had to check it out. I’m someone who likes to armchair psychoanalyze, and it’s how I come up with stories. Since this is your blog (and not mine), I can say this without worry about family reading. I was raised by 2 narcissists. Now, mine were not vindictive or vengeful like your ex, so I didn’t have to deal with that kind of abuse. I tell people that if they’ve seen the show Mad Men, then they’ve seen my parents in Don and Betty Draper, except mine had an added color of Italian personality in them. They each wanted the other to revolve everything around their needs, and neither could fulfill the other. We two siblings had to support their emotional needs instead of the other way around. They got divorced after we grew up and left the nest. I can tell you that since my parents have aged to elderly, their narcissism has softened. It hasn’t gone away, mind you, but they have become a bit easier to deal with. Or, perhaps it’s just me that has learned how to deal with them … after lots of therapy. 😀 Thanks for taking a chance and writing about it to warn others.

    • Thanks for sharing. 🙂

      I understand about having to keep your comments under wraps. The name I use here is my grandmother’s, and I know that my ex-narcissist would never recognise it. He was too busy with himself to ever pick up much info about my family.

      Don and Betty. Yikes. I’m glad to hear that things are going better with your parents but it’s my opinion that narcissists don’t really soften – I would say it’s much more likely that you have learned how to handle them without losing yourself – a huge accomplishment. 🙂

      Over the course of writing and reading about narcissism and having also connected with a much older sister, I have come to realise that my mother was probably also a narcissist or at least very high on narcissistic spectrum (she passed away many years ago). My sister, who was (she passed away last year)14 yrs older than me, went to boarding school when she was 15 and then left home (and moved as far away as she could) as soon as possible after graduating in order to distance herself from our mother. She was the “scapegoat.” As a result, I didn’t know her very well until I was much older. The info she shared with me explained a lot about my experiences growing up and some of the issues I had later, such as getting married to a narcissist. I had a good therapist and strong friends who helped me through that experience and I have also done a lot of work.

      You might be very interested in reading Ursula’s blog (http://www.anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com). She also had narcissistic parents and shares her insights about growing up in a narcissistic household. She’s a great writer whom I’ve been reading for about four years now (forever in blog life 🙂 ).

      Thanks very much for coming by. 🙂

      • Hi Lynette. Thanks for sharing more of your experience. Yep, therapy helped me, too. I’m thinking there are different levels of narcissism, and perhaps that’s why my parents have softened a little. BTW, every time I saw Sally Draper get scolded by Betty, I almost cried. I felt for her, because she was me. That is really interesting about your sister. I’m glad you were able to grow close with her before before she passed away. Sounds like you’ve been through a lot and should be proud of yourself for coming through. I based a character in my novel on my husband’s mother, who was also a narcissist. Everyone in their family revolved their lives around her, and she never softened. Thanks for recommending Ursula’s blog. Have a great week.

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