Two years ago, I learned that a former spouse had passed away. He’s the subject of most of the early posts on this blog as I worked through my very short, very difficult marriage to him. By any definition, he was a full narcissist and therefore a problematic person with whom to try to have a relationship.

I was surprised to hear from his daughter who let me know about it; she didn’t provide any additional details. It was very kind of her to do that as I know that she had had very significant issues with him as well and had stopped communicating with him just after I initiated divorce proceedings.

Learning that he’s gone produced a bit of a reaction – it has taken me two years to write about it – with some feelings anticipated (relief, solace), and others not (anger, guilt). His departure has meant that I no longer need to worry about how he sometimes tried to track me down online, at work or through my family or friends, even many years after our divorce.

I suddenly began to feel a lot more secure. But then there was the guilt around being relieved at another’s passing as well as a real freshening of the anger I felt at the stalking and the need for additional safety precautions as well as for what he did to my finances and the time it took me to recoup.

This experience as well as my experience as a combat veteran has lead me to conclude that often, the fallout from traumatic or extremely difficult experiences doesn’t go away completely. These experiences lessen, they lighten. I can forget about them for long periods. The anger drops off. Even the details can become hazy. But disappear entirely? Nope.

There was the death of the marriage; in this case, it was stillborn even though it took me several months to put all the signs together. Then there’s the death of the former spouse, with its odd sense of unclosure closure. It’s a very mixed bag. Because regardless of what the experts say, some things just don’t fold neatly into a drawer that can be closed and locked forever. They grow smaller and smaller all the time, but you can still see their smoke on the horizon, no matter how far away you are.