emotion | In the Net! – Pictures and Stories of Life

Two years ago, I learned that a former spouse had passed away. He’s the subject of most of the early posts on this blog as I worked through my very short, very difficult marriage to him. By any definition, he was a full narcissist and therefore a problematic person with whom to try to have a relationship.

I was surprised to hear from his daughter who let me know about it; she didn’t provide any additional details. It was very kind of her to do that as I know that she had had very significant issues with him as well and had stopped communicating with him just after I initiated divorce proceedings.

Learning that he’s gone produced a bit of a reaction – it has taken me two years to write about it – with some feelings anticipated (relief, solace), and others not (anger, guilt). His departure has meant that I no longer need to worry about how he sometimes tried to track me down online, at work or through my family or friends, even many years after our divorce.

I suddenly began to feel a lot more secure. But then there was the guilt around being relieved at another’s passing as well as a real freshening of the anger I felt at the stalking and the need for additional safety precautions as well as for what he did to my finances and the time it took me to recoup.

This experience as well as my experience as a combat veteran has lead me to conclude that often, the fallout from traumatic or extremely difficult experiences doesn’t go away completely. These experiences lessen, they lighten. I can forget about them for long periods. The anger drops off. Even the details can become hazy. But disappear entirely? Nope.

There was the death of the marriage; in this case, it was stillborn even though it took me several months to put all the signs together. Then there’s the death of the former spouse, with its odd sense of unclosure closure. It’s a very mixed bag. Because regardless of what the experts say, some things just don’t fold neatly into a drawer that can be closed and locked forever. They grow smaller and smaller all the time, but you can still see their smoke on the horizon, no matter how far away you are.

I had the last of the tests on my heart yesterday, and the techs and the supervising cardiac specialist indicated to me that they couldn’t see any damage from the period of dysrhythmia that I experienced! Yay! 🙂

A bonus is that they couldn’t find any underlying problem that might have caused the dysrhythmia in the first place! Yay yay!!

I can’t tell you what a relief that was. Or maybe many of you have experienced something similar.

So, the way I understand it, some nerve endings in my heart misfired for some reason. This had never happened before, and there’s a good chance that it may never happen again.

It was likely just a glitch. In the scheme of health things, a very small one. And I’ll talk to the cardiac specialist about all this stuff when I have an office appointment with him.

But this little glitch forced me to re-evaluate many things; to be more mindful. I feel like I’ve got a second chance.

My husband is presently commuting to his new job that is four hours away. We only see each other a couple of days a week. Do we really want to keep doing that?

Do I want to stay in a job – I’m a high school teacher – that’s incredibly stressful and is “lead” by some of the most dogmatic, short-sighted, otherwise-unemployable people anywhere? I have one year left. The pragmatic decision is to stay. That way, the numbers will work out much better.

After many years as a private pilot, I have prepared a second career as a professional pilot. By the grace of someone or something, this issue with my heart is unlikely to affect my long-term medical status with respect to this career. Again, the pragmatic decision is to wait for a year before starting it.

My deep-down sense is that stress caused this situation in the first place.

But I have to be able to live my life, too. I can’t act like a delicate hothouse flower. I never was one of those and can’t see any value in starting that now.

Maybe I’m just talking about living a more balanced life, and the big question for me is how to do that.

What about you? Have you faced a situation where you’ve had to re-evaluate how you live your life? Have you felt like you’ve had a second chance? How have you handled it?