Commentary, Photography

When You’re Grey

40 Comments

Since reaching my sixties, I’ve noticed that decidedly nonchalant, seemingly socially accepted forms of ageism are leaking out in all directions from some of the younger amongst us and particularly against me or anyone else who shares my age-region. To say the least, it’s incredibly annoying.

For instance, why is it that I’ve suddenly become “dear” – and intoned in such a way as to communicate that the speaker sees me as mentally deficient – to anyone under 50? I don’t know you, I’m not your granny or auntie or even a neighbour. But in any case it’s not just about knowing me; it’s about implying that I’m a sort of child-senior who deserves condescending endearments from total strangers.

Another thing is the amazement I sometimes hear about my ability to use technology. Comments such as “how great that you know how to do that,” it’s nice that you’re not afraid of technology” or this zinger: “you’re doing so well for your age.” Ugh. Here’s the reality: I’ve been using computers for 40 years and have had a smartphone since you were in kindergarten. I’m no stranger to computers, the internet, apps, digital wallets and streaming. My generation invented this stuff!

Just because my hair is grey doesn’t mean that a) I’m hard of hearing or b) half-blind. Neither has intimacy gone the way of the dodo bird.

I am not “cute.” Babies, puppies and kittens are cute. I left cute behind many moons ago.

And another thing, we Gen-Xers and Boomers didn’t have it easier when we were 20-and-30-somethings: 20% interest rates on loans, the cold war, unemployment, stagnant wages, gas shortages, a couple of shorter recessions in the 70s followed by a real humdinger in the 80s. Buy a house? The closest I could have gotten to it would have been a dollhouse.

No, I don’t have dementia. Yes, my systems are ageing. Nothing works as well as it used to but I’m not a doddering old codger … er, codgerette. I’m a lot like the 18-year-old, manual Ford that’s parked in my garage. It has been and continues to be a great car and as time goes along, it needs more maintenance and even some fixing. But care will extend its useful life, just as it will for many of us.

I’ve dealt with discrimination from time to time, especially when I was younger. As I was coming of age, behaviours were easing up a little but it still wasn’t easy being female. Or being French, female, and pursuing a “non-traditional” career. And now this old age thing? It only feels like yesterday that the agism came from the other end of the spectrum. Yikes.

40 thoughts on “When You’re Grey”

  1. Some lovely pics here, Lynette.
    Things must be slightly different where you live. Here in this rural village I’m never made conscious of my age (I’m 77), other than the occasional surprise from people who don’t know me and seem to admire the ability of my wife and I to walk at least 3 miles most days! But that seems to be more to do with a lack of activity from those people than anything to do with age.
    But I’d certainly be as irritated by those remarks and attitudes you encounter! As you say, our generation invented these things – the only exception for me is the overly-complex mobile phone; I find it unnecessarily intrusive in its behaviour and insistence on trying to either sell me things or instal programs I don’t want!

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    1. Thank you very much, Stuart.

      We’re in a small city in a wider, more urbanish area and younger people (under 45-50) seem to feel very free to make these sorts of comments – I’m not sure where that comes from. It’s funny, but I’ve never heard comments about my physical abilities, only the ones mentioned in my post. There are lots of older runners here – there’s a senior’s marathon that’s held here every autumn too – so maybe the greater visibility could be the reason. But I can easily understand how comments about your fitness could happen.

      What I find most startling is the nonchalance people feel in making such comments and especially from people who are old enough (20+) to realise that they are unfeeling or rude.

      Agreed that phones can be a nuisance and definitely very intrusive with all the upselling, etc. Before I retired I had to be glued to mine – I’m quite happy that part is over!

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  2. Ageism is indeed a reality for us who have just entered our 60’s. However, I remember it existing when I was young as well. I got a break today when I ordered a beer and the waitress asked for my ID. We’ve been spending a week with our first grandchild (4 months) so maybe we are looking younger now. Anyway, your photos are amazing as usual.

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    1. Thank you very much, Thomas. Agreed, a reality that should be checked, though. Oh yes, I experienced ageism from above particularly when I was 18-25 and now it’s from below. Your waitress had a sense of humour or you’re very young looking? 😉 You seem to be enjoying your visit with your grandchild. Have fun.

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  3. Lynette, I’m enjoying your beautiful photos interspersed between your eloquent essay. The first time I experienced ageism was at the doctors, when I was 28! 😀 The infamous words of ‘at my age’ was uttered for the first time by him as he examined my painful shoulder! Still in my 50s I haven’t had experience in society of ageism – as yet – but it must be galling. Oh, how true, we invented the computers, mobile phones … it shouldn’t be a surprise people of all ages know how to use these devices.

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    1. Thank you very much for your lovely comments, Annika. 😊

      It’s definitely galling. I experienced a lot of it when I was younger and now that I’m older it’s happening again. It seems to be one of the last bastions of “acceptable” discrimination.

      Yes, our generation developed all of that technology and now we’re supposedly ignorant of it. Tells me that there are some serious holes in the young’uns’ knowledge of recent history! Cheers.

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  4. Oh Lynette, I could have written this! I haven’t personally been affected by ageism, but it does appear from what I read that people my age (I’m 72) had it so good. I didn’t buy my first house until my forties and the interest on the mortgage was 15%.

    One nice thing about living in Cornwall is that people don’t say dear, they say lovely!

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    1. Thank you very much, Jude. I recently suffered through a bit of a rant from my daughter-in-law about prices in general but house prices in particular. I didn’t say much except to point out that we faced 20% mortgage rates. She didn’t believe me really until she looked it up but she did then apologise.

      I am very tired of hearing how we “had it so good.” I faced serious money problems coming out of high school and then joined the military to put myself through uni. A house didn’t arrive until many years later.

      I like “Lovely” much better than “dear!”

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  5. I’m 69 this year and my hips don’t want to play any more. I have to say that things like arthritis (old person’s word!) and cataracts (another one) make this still-18-in-the-head person far more frustrated than anything some young ignoramus says does 😂

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    2. Very true, Phil! Like you, in my head I’m much younger but I have a knee that keeps sending loud complaints to my inbox and that definitely keeps me grounded. 😉 Still, I do get annoyed by those silly comments from the young’uns!

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  6. Oh that’s awful Lynette. At a few months shy of 60, I haven’t experienced any of that, maybe because I still colour my hair 😊, or maybe because we are still passing the Gen Zs on the hiking trails. Maggie

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    1. Actually, now that you mention it, a lot of this started when I stopped colouring my hair! That could just be a coincidence, though. I’m sure my wrinkles contribute. 😉 Agreed, I’m passing some of the younger ones at times and I’m always (ridiculously so since it’s not my achievement) a bit proud to see a 70ish or 80ish person jog past me, too. Cheers.

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  7. Lynette, there’s so much that is challenging to deal with for every generation. I think the difference is now, the Gen X or Gen Z or whatever they are calling themselves don’t want know how anyone else had to deal with hardship. They also have ways they communicate through social media (Reddit & TikTok) that has changed the way they see themselves in the world, whereas we were more isolated. At least that’s my opinion.
    Great post today!!!

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    1. Thank you very much, Laura. That is definitely true. What I dislike the most however is the resentment that I’ve picked up on toward Boomers or Gen-X for “taking Millenniums’ or Gen-Zs’ jobs” or making it “impossible” for them to buy a house, among other complaints. That’s another example of the distortion of fact that has become a very serious general issue. Agreed that they don’t want to know and that social media has changed the way they process their place in the world, though. Cheers.

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      1. I’ve been thinking about this and I know you’re in Canada and I’m in the US (currently horrified by the state of the administration) but I think it’s comparable. Not to sound like a “Get off my lawn!” cane waving old woman, but I see people who are complaining they’re never going to be able to afford a house who have a new car with a big loan payment, treating themselves to meals out and other luxuries that we went without for years in exchange for a mortgage. My first new car wasn’t until I could buy it without a loan.

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  8. I love this post Lynette and I share your frustrations with the younger set and particularly their disdain for all the Boomers who stole “their” jobs. We started with nothing, worked long and hard to get where we are. In fact you and so many other women paved the way for “their” success. When will people of all ages stop applying the Us and Them approach and just respect all people for who they are and what they can do? I recall about a year ago, walking by a group of teenage schoolgirls, who remarked ,while Patty and I were within earshot…Aren’t they just so cute. We smiled and replied to ourselves…Damn straight, we are cute. The ultimate compliment came from a nephew who on seeing us for the first time in 5 years remarked, “At least you are still mobile” Happy Friday my remarkedly talented and experienced friend. Allan

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    1. Many thanks for your wonderful comments and recognition, Allan. Much appreciated. 😊

      I’ve definitely picked up on the resentment coming from some of the younger ones about jobs, houses, prices, and incomes. I recently suffered through a bit of a rant from my daughter-in-law about prices in general but house prices in particular. I didn’t say much except to point out that we faced 20% mortgage rates. She didn’t believe me really until she looked it up but she did then apologise. I didn’t start with anything either and was seriously lacking in money, resources and job prospects but joined the military to put myself through university. Maybe we need to speak out more about correcting these constant distortions in reality that are industriously being fed by Trump and his ilk as a sort of way to live and is spreading across the border like a virus.

      Yes, M and I were recently called “cute” by someone who was a lot older and should have known better. At least teenagers are still figuring all this stuff out and think that they’re being well-meaning.

      You ask very salient questions that probably won’t now be very quickly addressed given that we have to pour ourselves into dealing with that unhinged madman to the south of us.

      Happy Friday to you and Patty too, Allan. Cheers.

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      1. I am so glad he disinvited Carney from his self aggrandizing Peace Board. Looking at his designs on the Gaza Strip, I can tell that no Gazans will be living there. It is purely for those with money. Honestly, the Democrats and Independents still think its all going to get better at the midterms, which he will either cancel or subvert. Gilead.

        I see the Eastern U.S.A. is about to be walloped with an Arctic blast. I have been telling all my American blogging friends that this blast is not coming from Canada, it is from Greenland. It is kind of shaped like a middle finger.

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  9. It’s too bad you’ve experienced that level of ageism, Lynette. Some of those comments are downright rude! Particularly considering, as you pointed out, all the technological advancements our generation invented. Like you, I hate it when people describe me or my actions as “ cute” or “sweet”. Like you said, those adjectives are for babies, human or animal, not grown women. Now that I’m closer to 70 than 60, I have noticed a difference in the treatment I receive, like doctors pointing out that a condition is common at “my age”. What can we say when we experience this, particularly in the service industry? A snappy comeback would be helpful, and fun!

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    1. Thanks, Tricia. These comments are just so casually delivered too and that makes it even more annoying, I find. There are so many who seemingly have no knowledge of recent history when it comes to technology and are also spreading misinformation when it comes to the issues the Boomers and Gen-Xers had to face. I certainly didn’t have it “easy” and that wasn’t the experience of most of my peers, either. We started with nothing and worked hard to get ahead. Nothing was handed to me, that’s for sure.

      Agreed; the “at your age” comment is just so insulting. I would love a snappy comeback and keep trying to come up with one! Cheers.

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      1. Oh my, yes, we certainly did not have it easy! We had to deal with so much sexism back then too. And like you, I, along with my friends worked hard for all we obtained. However, I am glad that we paved the way for our daughters, nieces and other young women so they’re a little better off. There’s still so much misogyny though; particularly with you know who in office here. Let’s keep thinking of a snappy comeback!

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  12. Wow, I love your photos, Lynette!!

    You hit all the right buttons in this post, I have experienced the same rotten comments from people both online and in person. I am not useless and my tech skills are excellent.

    It seems that the parents of today’s youth have forgot to tech their kids respect for their elders. As you know I hit 65 in December and still feel 21 in my head!

    Thanks for your wonderful thoughts, Lynette. 🙏🏻❤️

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    1. Thank you very much, John. 😊

      I find the online comments can be a lot worse than the verbal ones, although neither is a good experience. One thing I find very aggravating is the lack of knowledge of recent history or the distortion of fact that leads some people to think that Boomers or Gen-Xers had it easy.

      Yes, in my head I’m still 25! 😊 Cheers.

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      1. I’m glad that I’m not the only Boomer who is still 25 years young in their head!

        The online comments are so terrible. I use Instagram and have taken some heat from other users for my opinions but I really don’t care what they think of me.

        It’s just social media for gosh sake. 🤣

        The ignorance of things the young ones is astounding. They don’t know what state Mount Rushmore is in or even the Capital of America!

        Thank you American Publik Skewl Sistum…

        I’m so glad that I graduated HS in 1979 when schools still taught students things that actually matter in this life. No cell phones or social media, it was and is a blessing!

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  15. I totally agree. I also get tired of “you’re just getting older” when I go to the Dr. or every symptom is “it’s just menopause”. Spent 5 years hearing that and I finally found a Dr who treated me as a person and found I have a couple of very easily diagnostic illnesses (not age related or age specific) and once diagnosed and treated I feel better than I have in years!

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    1. I’m glad to hear that you finally found an appropriate medical person who didn’t write you off as suffering from menopause. Ugh. I didn’t experience anything like that but I knew someone who did. Years of “it’s menopause” turned out to be a gallbladder that was about to rupture. There’s no excuse for the level of professional incompetence that leads to age or gender bias.

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  16. I hear you. I seem to be getting it from my step sons. One in particular who has a PhD. But maybe he thinks everyone is stupid, I really don’t know. Like you, I have used computers since the 80’s, had a phone for thirty-five years. I used to teach software. I worked in the male-dominated pre-press and printing industry. I put up with a lot of crap that was exhausting. At 68, I have no patience for any more crap. I don’t put up with it from my own son. He knows better. My hair is not completely grey and I tend to look young for my age so maybe I don’t get it from others as much, but I have mastered the dirty look for the times when I do.

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    1. I totally hear you. The casual misogyny that so many of us boomer or gen-x women had to contend with was mind-blowing. I remember not qualifying for a car loan simply because I was female (at the time I was a combat military officer who was making more than the male loans officer; I had to go to the manager to complain) and there were so many off-colour comments and the outright laughing or jeering at attempts to be treated professionally, too. It was a hard slog that millennials and gen-zs don’t understand or even know about, along with their lack of knowledge about who invented today’s technology. I agree, I totally lack the patience now to put up with more crap. As you point out, it was exhausting.

      I have to master some sort of dirty look, too!

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