Commentary, Milestones

When a Former Spouse Passes Away

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Two years ago, I learned that a former spouse had passed away. He’s the subject of most of the early posts on this blog as I worked through my very short, very difficult marriage to him. By any definition, he was a full narcissist and therefore a problematic person with whom to try to have a relationship.

I was surprised to hear from his daughter who let me know about it; she didn’t provide any additional details. It was very kind of her to do that as I know that she had had very significant issues with him as well and had stopped communicating with him just after I initiated divorce proceedings.

Learning that he’s gone produced a bit of a reaction – it has taken me two years to write about it – with some feelings anticipated (relief, solace), and others not (anger, guilt). His departure has meant that I no longer need to worry about how he sometimes tried to track me down online, at work or through my family or friends, even many years after our divorce.

I suddenly began to feel a lot more secure. But then there was the guilt around being relieved at another’s passing as well as a real freshening of the anger I felt at the stalking and the need for additional safety precautions as well as for what he did to my finances and the time it took me to recoup.

This experience as well as my experience as a combat veteran has lead me to conclude that often, the fallout from traumatic or extremely difficult experiences doesn’t go away completely. These experiences lessen, they lighten. I can forget about them for long periods. The anger drops off. Even the details can become hazy. But disappear entirely? Nope.

There was the death of the marriage; in this case, it was stillborn even though it took me several months to put all the signs together. Then there’s the death of the former spouse, with its odd sense of unclosure closure. It’s a very mixed bag. Because regardless of what the experts say, some things just don’t fold neatly into a drawer that can be closed and locked forever. They grow smaller and smaller all the time, but you can still see their smoke on the horizon, no matter how far away you are.

66 thoughts on “When a Former Spouse Passes Away”

  1. If we are to buy into current conversations going on, your former spouse will probably be moving on to another life that will entail making amends for their evil exploits.  I have found it quite interesting when I’m hearing those speaking of communications of the cosmic variety. It seems that the ones above are often referring to the narcissists here on Earth!

    Sent from AOL on Android

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  2. Narcissistic behavior is so difficult to deal with. They never take responsibility for their actions and always feel they’re the victim. It sounds like your situation with your ex bordered on dangerous and frightening situations. It’s no wonder you feel relief now that he’s gone, and the guilt for feeling relieved. Thank you for sharing this and I wish you all the best as you process your feelings.

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    1. Your description is so accurate, Tricia. They are always shirking responsibility and figuring out ways of migrating it to someone else, usually while self-victimizing. The exaggerations and falsehoods were also terrible but probably the worst was the sense of entitlement. That is why he began stalking and threatening. I had taken away his source of “income” essentially. Thank you very much for your kind comment and good wishes. Writing about it has helped.

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      1. That sounds absolutely horrible to have experienced. At least you can possibly experience some peace now. I have a sister (one of three) who is narcissistic; she’s older than me and made my life hell at times. Thankfully, we haven’t spoken for many years; I hope to keep it like that. All the best to you, Lynette.

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        1. Thank you very much, Tricia. It was difficult and I had to keep looking over my shoulder for years afterward, but I’ve come to view my mind’s refusal to set the experience aside as nature’s way of reminding me not to make the same mistake again.

          I’m so sorry to hear this about your sister. I hear you when you say she made your life hell. Narcissists are so devoid of any kind of empathy; there’s only pure selfishness. I believe that when it’s a close family member it’s so much worse and more difficult to handle. Agreed – the only way to manage them is to stay away, the more completely the better. All the best to you, too.

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  3. Lynette, you and I have some connections, though kind of indirect rather than identical. My ex wife died in 2020. Our divorce (2012) and the subsequent years were very difficult as we (Michaela and I) had to cope with extreme vitriol and the constant spreading of lies about me and my new life. When I heard she had died, my first reaction was relief that it was over. But very quickly this subsided, and the sadness of knowing that my three grown up children had lost their mother soon brought real sadness. After that came a really confusing mix of good memories and bad ones from our years of marriage. I empathise with every sentiment in your post. Guilt included. There’s no real pigeon hole for all this. And, as you say, bits of it stay inside you for life. There are some things that we just have to carry for ever, and hope that it makes us stronger. I hope for this, for you.

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    1. Hello Phil, first of all, I’m sorry to hear that we have those connections, indirect or not. And secondly, thanks for sharing your experience. Yes – my reaction was very similar to yours. A cacophony of mixed emotions, including extreme irritation at myself and questions around how stupid I had been for having let him into my life in the first place. I lived for years having to protect my identity, particularly online but in more traditional ways, too. Depending on the situation, I sometimes even had to explain the situation to employers. We were only married for 20 months, but the fallout lasted for many years. Agreed – there is no pigeon hole; you just have to figure out how best to carry it. Thank you very much for your good wishes, Phil. I appreciate your kindness.

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  6. Sorry to learn this news has had some negative aspects for you, Lynette. But relief in such a situation is a natural response and you should feel no guilt at this. He was the controller. He was the one doing harm. You are well rid of him and now free to continue your life without reference to his selfish, uncaring behaviour.

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    1. Thank you very much for your supportive comments, Stuart. I agree completely. Having to live years of my life taking extra precautions and constantly looking over my shoulder was exhausting and always worrying. Part of it is the anger that I felt – sometimes still feel – at myself for having let him into my life in the first place. It’s so very mixed. Life however is definitely much easier knowing that he’s not still out there.

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  8. I think closure does not always come in the way we wish for Lynette. So sorry for the negative portions of this news. Narcissistic behaviour is hard to withstand, but even worse when it comes from a spouse or parent. We are still dealing with it and sad for the loss of what could have been. Writing or talking about the feelings is part of the therapy. Stay well. Allan

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    1. Thank you very much for your supportive comment, Allan. Narcissists are extremely difficult, yes. They remind me of Gumby dolls, twisting and turning to escape responsibility, avoid reality, blame others, manipulate the truth and tell the most egregious falsehoods. Writing about this however was a lot easier than I thought.

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  9. Thank you for sharing this, Lynette. What a difficult time in your life. I’m glad you’ve had some closure, but I can understand how emotions from the past creep back in. 🧡🧡🧡

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    1. Thank you very much for your supportive comment, Barbara. It was a difficult time and although I intellectually know that it’s over, it continues to linger. Less and less all the time but it’s still there.

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  12. I only recently (a few months ago) read your About Me page and learned of this past marriage. As I read your descriptions here though, it sounded a lot like my dad’s ex-wife (not my mom). He passed away 9 years ago and we haven’t heard from her since. I hope you’re able to make that box of clutter in your mind smaller and less intrusive. Maggie

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    1. Thank you very much for your supportive comment, Maggie. It’s unfortunate that you had to deal with someone like that. It’s so difficult. Thank you also for your good wishes. That box is shrinking all the time, happily, which helps a lot.

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    1. Yes, it was very difficult, Belinda. I agree completely; the sharpness fades but the memory of trying times never disappears. I think nature is trying to provide us with a reminder not to make the same mistake again, so I interpret that as a silver lining.

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  16. I agree. Mourning the death of anyone who used to be in your live but didn’t treat you well is a mixed bag filled with anger and despair and irritation about what was. It leaves you in an odd emotional space, knowing that if you let it the experience can make you stronger, but also realizing that it is impossible to totally dismiss how that person used you.

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    1. Thank you very much, Ally. You have totally nailed the effects of such an experience. One of the worst parts of it was how angry I was at myself for ever allowing him into my life in the first place. I also tend to think that by not letting us completely forget, nature is trying to ensure that we don’t make the same mistake again. I’m beginning to see this as a silver lining. Cheers.

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  17. People make choices about so many things in life, and if the choices turn out to be bad (and especially if they don’t learn from that), we can’t take responsibility for what they decide to do or not do. Be glad that you worked through a less than ideal time and don’t feel guilty about someone else’s choices. It’s enough to work through our own bad choices and hopefully to have learned from them. My long ago “practice husband” is also deceased, — to a great degree because of his own bad choices. I’m sorry it was the way it was but it was out of my control. I feel that with a few exceptions, adults must take responsibility for their own decisions and either learn from poor judgment or suffer the consequences. No reason for others to feel guilty for them.

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    1. Thank you very much for your thoughts on this, Anneli. Sorry to hear that you experienced what sounds like a similar situation. I agree with you. We are totally responsible for our actions and one of the things that really got to me was my anger at myself for allowing him into my life in the first place. In retrospect, I felt that even though he had misrepresented himself, I hadn’t shown the best judgement and was at least somewhat responsible for what happened later.

      I do think that one of the reasons why it’s so hard to set aside these memories is the fact that nature doesn’t want us to forget. We’re being provided with a constant reminder so that we don’t make the same mistake again. I’m starting to see this as a silver lining and hadn’t really considered that interpretation before.

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  18. Thanks so much for your reflections and insight. I can imagine that it took two years to be able to write this post. I hope the feeling of being secure remains rock solid.

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    1. Hello Peggy, thank you very much. We were only together for 20 months but the fallout stretched out over years and I was so angry at myself for having let him into my life in the first place. Yes, I do feel secure now that he has passed; no more extra precautions or looking over my shoulder.

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  19. I’m sorry to hear about how your ex-husband was a difficult person. That’s awful how he would try to track you down. No one should ever have to go through something like that and live in fear. It’s understandable that you would feel relief after his passing. You’re right, difficult experiences don’t ever go away. But I hope that he’ll occupy less space in your thoughts.

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    1. Thank you very much, Linda. He really was a stalker. At one point an employer (before I was able to stop it) put my email address on the main website and I immediately began to get nasty emails from him; this was four years after our divorce. The police tried to help and advised me on precautions but they weren’t able to do much else because he never made direct threats against my safety (he was a former lawyer and was cagey about that). He’s definitely occupying less space as time goes on, but I’m also beginning to see this inability to completely forget as one of nature’s protections: a reminder not to make the same mistake again.

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      1. Uggh. Good for you for getting out of that relationship. I’m sure it wasn’t easy in some ways. It’s disturbing to hear the lengths he took to try to hurt you even after you left him and that it’s had a lasting impact. Forgiveness is hard. And forgetting is often harder.

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        1. Thank you very much, Linda. It was a confusing, worrisome and tense situation. Narcissists are incredibly vengeful. He felt that I needed to be “punished” and tried to take any opportunity to do so. They just won’t give up if they feel offended, even about minor things. I love your last two statements; very true.

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  20. These are beautiful photos once again.
    I’m sorry for all you’ve been through, Lynette, and understand your feeling of guilt. I don’t think you have any need to feel guilty, but that’s easy for me to say!
    I think I would be very relieved to hear that my ex-husband had died, because I still dread running into him, even after 20+ years.

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    1. Thank you very much, Nellifant. Part of the guilt revolves around the fact that I was so angry at myself for allowing him into my life in the first place. We were only together for 20 months but the fallout stretched out over years. The effects are definitely falling off, thankfully, and I’m beginning to see my inability to forget more completely as nature’s way of warning me not to make the same mistake again. I certainly understand your desire never to see your former husband again, even after such a long time!

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  22. Wow. This is so well said, Lynette. And I understand every single emotion you’ve expressed here. Thank you so much for sharing this personal story.

    I had a lot of trouble with my mother-in-law throughout my marriage. I had to get therapy to figure out how to forgive her. At some point I found I’d forgiven her and was dealing with her much better. Then when she passed away, my anger toward her returned. I’d thought I’d forgiven. We’d been getting along. How could her death make me angry at her again? Like you, I realized there’d be no closure. There’d never be an apology from her, even though I’d never expected one, but her death gave it finality.

    I’ve learned our emotional wounds can heal but the scars are sometimes reopened. Good news is, they can heal over again.

    Thanks again for sharing. Hug to you. 💗

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    1. Thank you very much, Lori. 💛 I’m so sorry to hear of the troubles you experienced with your mother-in-law, but I believe we comment-chatted about that a long time ago. (Not sure how long but I think 4 or 5 years? Maybe more?) As you indicate here and as I recall, you had quite a tough time of it. The emotional reactions to the deaths of these people is so unexpected and so mixed, too. Others who have commented here report the same thing.

      One of the things I’m beginning to appreciate is how nature won’t let us forget completely so that we don’t make the same mistake again, or that’s how I’m choosing to see these emotional wounds. Agreed, they do heal, but the spot where they were always tends to be a bit sore.

      Thank you for the hug. Back to you. 🩷

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  23. I SO totally understand this. Still trying to process many similar things regarding my 1st marriage, although he is still alive. Narcisisstic abuse takes a long time to recover from and I’m not sure we ever fully do.

    I simply wanted to say, that whatever you are feeling about all of this, is okay. If he wanted you to have fonder feelings, he should have treated you better. You are allowed to feel happiness and relief that he’s gone. Do we not rejoice when the surgeon gets all the cancer? And some people choose to be cancer, bringing destruction to all those around them. That’s on them.

    You are allowed to feel sorrow, because a lot of better things could have been, if only, and that’s on him.

    Whatever smoke you still see on the horizon, it is on the horizon, no longer in your house, and you are free. Process at your own pace.

    Peace to you. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you very much for your very kind and supportive comments, Vanessa. 💛 They have really resonated with me and you make such an excellent comparison to cancer and also the point that I no longer have the smoke in my house.

      I agree that it’s difficult if not impossible to recover from narcissistic abuse and I also think that those who haven’t experienced it may understand it intellectually and sympathetically but won’t ever totally get it. Only someone else who has been there will ever entirely understand.

      I have started to think that one of the reasons why most people can’t ever set this experience aside completely is because it’s nature’s way of protecting us. If we can’t forget we unlikely to make the same mistake again.

      Thanks again for your encouraging words and thoughts, Vanessa. They are very much appreciated and helped a lot. 💛

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  24. Exactly: the fallout from trauma does not go away completely. In his book “The Five Invitations,” and within the third invitation (Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience), Frank Ostaseski writes: “Loss doesn’t go away. It lasts a lifetime. It is our relationship to a particular loss that changes.” How it changes depends on how we work with, respond to, that loss over time…

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    1. Thank you very much, Penny. As you can tell, I don’t believe that “closure” exists and I have come to believe that it’s likely not healthy to try, either. As Ostaseski says, it lasts a lifetime. I haven’t heard of this book before but I’ll take a look for it now. Frank Ostaseski sounds like a writer I would enjoy. I agree completely that our relationship to the loss is what changes. The loss itself is immutable.

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      1. The author is (as I recall) a Buddhist who worked many years in a hospice, counselling & comforting the dying; the book is about the lessons he believes the fact of death can teach us about fully living our lives — I find it non-dogmatic, wise, inspiring

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  25. Beautiful reflection on a very challenging situation, Lynette. My understanding is that experts actually say that life experiences are complex, non-linear, producing contradictory feelings that ideally we are supposed to sit with and allow space for. There is grief and anger and regret and sadness and many other colors and hues of emotions, and that’s okay. Sending peace✨️✨️

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    1. Thank you, Katerina. Your understanding is very much appreciated. My experience has definitely been complicated, nonlinear and often confusing. Time has really helped me to sort my feelings although I’m still not finished and may not ever be, but I’m okay with that. Thanks for commenting. 😊

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