Tag Archives: musings

Death Takes a Holiday

So I’m stuck in the hospital.

I don’t think it’s too serious but suffice it to say that my heart became a little glitchy on Tuesday morning. Officially, what happened is called supraventrical dysrythmia. Great name, huh? What this means is that electricity wasn’t passing properly through my heart and caused a weak, crazily fast rhythm. Would have outdone the “zoom zoom” kid on the Toyota ads.

It was a really nasty experience. Especially the medication they gave me that stopped my heart and restarted it. When they said that I would momentarily feel like I was dying, they were right.

But the EMTs and emergency people really  were fabulous. Without them, I might not be here.

I even got to ride in an ambulance.

Don’t know how long I will be here in hospital, but I’m taking it in stride, even if it can be a little tedious. At the same time, I also realize that I need to be here, to rest and recuperate.

I also realize that I’m re- assessing, too. Stuff that seemed so important three days ago no longer seems very important at all.

I have been tested, poked and prodded and there’s more coming.

But one great thing is that I’ve spent some real quality time with WordPress, reading and reading while at the same time just being taken care of.

From that perspective, it’s been great.

The idea of having time has been great.

There’s nothing like an acute encounter with death to refocus you on the important stuff.

I’m glad he was on holiday.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas … Wait … It’s Still September, Right?

christmas 2007
(Photo credit: paparutzi)

Am I hallucinating, or is it still September? Because yesterday, I went into one of the local hardware stores and what to my wondering eyes should appear but eight rows of Christmas lights, and icicles, and pre-lit Christmas trees. Just remove from box.

Standing there in my shorts and sandals, I was sure that I was experiencing some sort of flashback.

My gag reflex is working overtime but it seems I have to start swallowing some Christmas pudding already.

I’m no marketer, but are there really that many eager Christmas light buyers in September? Or is it as I suspect – that we have to suffer this nonsense every year because it’s being shoved down our throats? And earlier and earlier?

Next thing you know, Peter Rabbit‘s bunny trail is going to be covered in tinsel. He won’t know whether to crap an egg or lay a turd.

It’s nauseating. Pass the Christmas pudding.

We haven’t even had Thanksgiving or Hallowe’en yet. Ho ho ho.

And I’m offended and appalled at the idea of Remembrance Day poppies having to compete with candy canes and tiny reindeer. It’s crass, disrespectful and downright ignorant.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against Christmas. But commercial enterprises are trying to turn it into a year-round, debt-inducing crusade for stuff-buying.

Do I need to learn to accept the fact that Christmas has nothing whatsoever to do with spirituality, the winter solstice, family, food and fun and everything to do with masses of lucre and just shut up and stop whining?

Or should we be making our opposition – for many of us, anyway – to this charade known? Apparently, 68% of Americans don’t want to be exposed to Christmas advertising before Thanksgiving, which in their country, takes place at the end of November. I’m sure that in Canada, the numbers are similar.

Hang on a second. Let me throw up first, and then I’ll choke down some more Christmas pudding.

Time for a Change

So I’m thinking of changing the title of my blog.

When I first started this project, all I wanted to do was throw my voice into the growing chorus of warning about narcissists and the damage they can do to the rest of us. And I intend to keep posting about that topic.

But I also find that more and more, I want to post about other things – as you’ve probably noticed.

It’s interesting how this blog has changed since I started it – it has almost taken on a life of its own, something that I think is a good sign of growth and moving on – a very suitable notion for spring.

And I have moved on. I no longer feel the intense urgency to write about narcissism that I did in the beginning. I have crossed a Rubicon of sorts – I’m no longer inside the box but outside, having a peek, grateful that I’m no longer trapped in there. In the light – a much better place to be.

In tandem with this is the fact that I have a wonderful relationship with M, that we’re making plans together, that despite the crap, one can have a perfectly ordinary, perfectly good life again.

Yes, I was married to a narcissist. And I lived through it, even though there were days when I seriously thought I was losing my mind. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I felt like I was in hell.

I’m still cleaning up the financial mess that he left me with and I will be doing that for a while, but M is also helping me.

There are times when I still wish that I had never laid eyes on him, but then I remember how much I have learned, and I would never want to give that up, in spite of how much it cost me.

But I’ve moved on and my blog title should, too.

Any suggestions? 🙂