What to Say to a Narcissist to Get Him Back

When I take a look though my search terms, I am sometimes surprised at what I find there. “Narcissist piano” showed up there, three times. I did a post about it. Another time, I did a post on a very serious search term: how to get a narcissist to love you. You can read that post here.

Now I’ve found this lovely search term: what to say to a narcissist to get him back. I suppose that on the surface, it’s not so different from “trying to get a narcissist to love you,” but maybe the searcher is thinking of other things, like trying to get the narcissist back to force him into his share of the child-raising, or something else like that. But I wouldn’t bet money on it.

Maybe the searcher wants the narcissist back so that she can treat him as badly as he treated her: revenge! Hummm. That is a possibility. We human beings can get pretty angry at the injustices done us and sometimes it helps to fantasise about getting our own back. So yes, I can envision someone typing this into her google search, visions of vengeful scenarios dancing in her head.

But given the whole narcissist trainwreck that gets dumped all over the victim’s lawn, there’s probably always some fantasising about revenge, but on balance anyone who has escaped a narcissist probably doesn’t want him back. I mean, there might be those who fantasise that the narcissist has been cured, has mended his ways, has learned his lesson, yadayadayada. But no one dreams about getting the actual narcissist back, with his narcissy ways intact.

Unless …

This person is in denial.

She’s heard others say that he’s a narcissist. She’s looked it up and seen some descriptors of narcissistic behaviour that apply greatly to this person. Maybe he’s told her that he’s a narcissist.

So, the word “narcissist” is out there, but she’s not taking it as seriously as she should. She’s dissociating from it?

Denial is an amazing thing.

Denial can cloud a clear vision.

Sometimes, denial can be a good thing. It can help us to make the adjustment after a traumatic or distressing event; it can give us time to take in what has happened. In the short term, it can protect us.

The problems start when the denial goes on for too long, especially in the face of mounting opposite evidence.

We can get that way about our relationships, and can find ourselves hanging on by the threadiest of marginal hopes that what we are seeing isn’t what we are seeing.

Or choosing to not see at all …

… and even inventing another “reality.”

What to say to a narcissist to get him back? How to get a narcissist to love you? How to get a narcissist to chase meI wonder about the people who type in these questions. Sometimes, I worry about them a bit too.

Do they just not know what a narcissist is? A real, live, NPD narcissist?

Have they convinced themselves that they can “cure” the narcissist with their love? That all the narcissist needs is a chance to see that trust is possible? That love is possible?

Is the narcissist simply a challenge? (And if so, this brings with it a whole other dynamic – is the person who’s trying to win the narcissist back also a narcissist?)

Or, is this simply human nature? A very human need to show that problems, no matter what they are, can be solved? That there really is love in a world that so often demonstrates the opposite? That there are second chances and that they do work?

In other words, that there’s hope. And perhaps, that’s the most human of human characteristics. And also perhaps, it’s incredibly misplaced sometimes.

What do you think? Is hope sometimes misplaced? How do we know when to have hope and when to not have hope? Is denial hope or hope denial?

 

12 thoughts on “What to Say to a Narcissist to Get Him Back

  1. I remember your post, “Narcissist piano,” Lynette. I think hope can become denial when one makes excuses or turns a blind eye to mounting evidence. I’m happy you hung on to hope and put yourself first.

    • Thank you. 🙂

      As I look back on it now, I really had some significant problems in terms of how I dealt with my insecurities. It took me a long time to even figure out that I was insecure. Not that I’m a bundle of confidence now. It’s something I have to work on all the time, but it’s a lot better than it used to be. 🙂

  2. This is pretty interesting. I posted today about a similar subject, but not narcissism. It’s about perception and denial. Subjective truth.

    Sometimes I think the word “narcissist” or “narcissism” is thrown around too willy-nilly, to the point where it doesn’t seem so serious anymore. It’s used just as a joke about people. When in reality, if you happen to run into someone who has true NPD, you’ll find yourself captivated, then manipulated, then in total despair.

    The only reason I could think of that a woman (don’t know about a man) would want a narcissist back is that they think they can change them. I know many women, including myself at one time, think we can “fix” the men we love. But, who knows.

    • Thank you. 🙂

      I agree that the term “narcissist” or “narcissism” is thrown around too much. And yes, it is treated as as a joke – right up to the point where you interact with one, and then you get how serious a condition it is. Even people who are circumspect about (and really understand what narcissism is – for instance, that narcissistic people aren’t crazy) the use of those terms don’t understand how serious and difficult it can be to deal with an NPD person. Like most things in life, the experience of it is a real eye-opener.

      Women do seem to be very affected by the idea that they can change people. I think this works in tandem with other areas in which women are socialised in particular ways – body image, sexuality, age, roles. It’s a pretty big package.

  3. We can’t help who we love. We must accept this fact. Sometimes we love someone who other people label “a narcissist”. Whatever they are, we must remember that love is always a one way street. We love, and we cannot, and should not, expect to be loved back. if we make the mistake of expecting to be loved back with a person who has other intentions about us, we will get ourselves into trouble. There’s no need to label anything. The effort must be made by us to keep ourselves in check.

    Ultimately we cannot know for sure and one hundred percent whether someone loves us. Ever. We have to believe. Believing is easy, but having to believe is difficult. We have to believe, according to our innermost preferences, even in the face of contrary evidence, because ultimately we do not really know. We can choose to believe what we want, and in this case we can choose to believe that they don’t love us, or choose to believe they they do. We must choose whatever we, ourselves, prefer to believe.

    But that does not mean that we behave according to our belief. Our belief only affects our feelings. Our behavior affects our actions. We must always protect ourselves from harm. We must protect our physical body, and our fragile image of ourselves, whenever either is threatened. An injury to any of the building blocks that make up our image of ourselves will cause grave damage to ourselves, so we must ensure that, if we desire to change our image of ourselves for the better, we do it only under controlled conditions.

    Whenever we are needy, we put ourselves in a vulnerable position, especially when there is a person at the other end of our need who wants to take advantage of us because we are needy. It does not matter what we think of them or how we label them. We know when we are being hurt, and we must avoid being hurt in all instances. And the only way to avoid being hurt is to stop being needy. It’s very simple, very difficult, but not impossible.

    So, we need to be able to love, but not be needy. That is the answer. To be able to love and get absolutely nothing in return, to be able to love till the end of our days and beyond, and get nothing back. That is love. Everything else is crap.

    If we love a “narcissist”, we must be able to keep ourselves in check. Of course we relish their company, why wouldn’t we, we love them. But we cannot afford to give them an inch, to show our need. We must not have a need. We must be prepared never to see them again, never to talk to them again, never to know about them again. We must be able to not put up with any shit from them, ever, and to walk away immediately and forever if it happens. And they must know that.

    And they must see that we are serious, and that we are putting ourselves one hundred percent on the line, that we will not do anything at all for them except be in their company. That’s all we like anyway, everything else, all the needy things are just investments we make in the hope of being loved back. And we must not be jealous. Ever. We must check our needs, and eliminate them all, one by one. We must become cold as ice. And love with unbounded passion, at the same time.

    This is the way we behave, or should, with anyone else. There is no reason why we should not behave like that with someone we love. We give love, nothing else.

    A narcissist is no different to anyone else. He is different to us, because he senses our need. He loves the same as anyone: do you think we love more? Oh no, hardly anyone knows how to love, we have not been taught, we have only been taught how to seduce and how to hate. He is just as self-important as anyone. But self-importance requires a mirror to have any effect, and we must deny that mirror. We must cease to be self-important ourselves.

    If you think that the whole thing makes for a lonely existence, you are wrong. Firstly, you would be surprised how nicely a “narcissist” responds to a person who has no needs. Secondly, “Narcissists” cross our path because we require the lesson that their presence manifests. They are our blessing in disguise. And to be without need, and without self=importance, makes for the most contented existence, in company or alone.

    ________________________________

  4. I can’t imagine wanting anyone back, once they’ve left – let alone a narcissist. When I’m done, I’m done (but in my experience, other people are always wanting to revisit the past, and it’s hard to say no).

    • Revisiting the past can be a good thing – sometimes we have to go there because there’s something we need to learn still and can’t quite get what it is … But too much of that can be unhealthy as well.

      It’s funny how so many people claim to want a narcissist back. I think they feel that they can change the person or that if given enough love, the person will change voluntarily. Although narcissism is being bandied around a lot right now, I think that it is quite poorly understood, and this leads people into thinking that it’s easily treatable.

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