I’ve noticed from time to time a tendency on some of the narcissism blogs that I read, for people to get a little testy about the things said about narcissism, narcissists and their victims. I have experienced testy commentary a couple of times and in one case, an outright angry response to a comment that I made – an accusation that I didn’t understand narcissism, that I didn’t know what I was talking about, that I didn’t know what it is like to be a victim.
Initially, I was hurt by the remark. I took it personally.
Reading, writing and thinking about narcissism is an emotional and arduous task. It requires a great deal of work, very difficult work that takes time, effort and sometimes, money.
When I first separated from my ex-narcissist, I went for counselling. I was fortunate on several fronts. First, I had a health care account that allowed me to cover the cost of counselling. Secondly, I had an excellent counsellor. And last, but not least, I had very supportive people in my life.
I moved on. I started a new relationship with a man to whom I am now married. My life is good, better than it has ever been, in fact.
I also started this blog. Initially, it was only about narcissism, but as I recovered and grew, I moved on to other subjects, too.
I still write about narcissism, obviously. I still read about narcissism. I still think about narcissism. A lot.
I have realized, too, that my recovery is not complete, and that it likely never will be. I am still processing many things about narcissism, and have also come to the realization that my mom was probably also a narcissist. That means that I may be an ACON, or an adult child of a narcissist(s).
This has opened an entire other door for me. One that I didn’t consciously know was there. It was a surprise, but also not a surprise.
I knew that something was wrong, but I thought it was always my fault. I spent a great deal of time trying to “fix” myself.
But what I know now is that I’m mostly okay. I have tendencies to behave in certain ways that I learned when I was a child. I am slowly getting that some of these “behaviours” are actually just reactions.
I am taking the time to slowly process a somewhat difficult childhood that lead to some rather shitty decisions on my part. I’m finally starting to really see that I am in charge now, that my decisions are my own and my responsibility.
My pronounced childhood stutter is almost entirely gone.
I don’t take testy commentary personally any more.
Dealing with and processing narcissism is work. And like any other work, it can be frustrating, boring and tiresome. But this work also demands a great deal of intense emotional investment. It’s draining and exhausting.
So, people who are deeply processing can make comments that come out of an emotional hole. They can sound waspish and bitter, or even ridiculous and idiotic. They may be grief-stricken or preachy. And, they may be making the same comment for the 3,405th time because they still can’t believe it and still have to say it. And that’s okay, too.
Repetition can be the mother of recovery.
And recovery is what many of us are here for, right?