Homeowner’s Bliss, Part 2

So here I am again and still suffering from my water troubles. I’ve decided that I should consider plumbing as my next career. Reading law? Forget it. Medicine? Too many late nights. Plumbing. Now there’s your ticket. You will be a contented millionaire who is able to take early retirement at age 35. People will come from afar and worship at your altar of mysterious, netherworldly knowledge. You will be loved and revered. And best of all, you will understand and be able to fix your own plumbing.

When I last left you, dear readers, I had been informed that I would have to pay $1000 to fix the weird-ass pipes that the plumber wanted to take pictures of. That was back when I had nerves. Now I don’t have any left. They are distant memory, smothered in the vague notion that once upon a time, I didn’t have water troubles and life was good.

A complex arrangement of rigid steel piping, s...

Anyway, God came  the plumber came. He worked for six hours. He charged me $1000.00. He told me the shower was fixed. Then he told me that he needed to do another six hours of work. That a lot of it is temporary, like the temporary filling that the dentist gives you. I’ve always wondered about that. Why is it that they just can’t give you the permanent filling right from the start? Why do you have to go through this temporary bit? Anyway, I’m digressing, but I asked him the same question – why the temp job? So he gave me a lot of explanations that I didn’t understand about angles and corners and how he wanted everything to work, at least temporarily.

So the next morning, I took a shower. As I was towelling off I was startled by a loud bang. Then there was another. I soon came to believe that the Battle of the Bulge was being re-enacted in my basement. Shaking, I grabbed at the phone to call the plumber. “Expansion in the new pipes,” I was told. “Calm down and have a drink. ”

“It’s  eight o’clock in the morning,” I shouted, “I’ve got to go to work!”

“Have one when you get back, then, ” he said, chuckling. Those plumbers and their off-beat humour. Imagine, laughing at me and my plumbing while in the background, the pipes are expanding at a rate that would put a machine gun to shame.

As you might have guessed, all that banging did nothing for my nerves. I’m convinced the pipes have entered into an alliance of terror and have ganged up on me to reduce me to a quivering pulp. I knew this because whenever anyone else was around, they would lapse into a sullen silence.

Then a couple of days ago I knew I was in for it. There was a loud burp, followed by the sound of a fair-sized river running around the perimeter of the house. Then the heavy shelling started. I didn’t know if I should call the plumber or the armed forces. Then there was a gurgle followed by a loud hiss and then the machine guns and loud bangs went off  together in a big flourish reminiscent of the 1812 Overture. 

I grabbed a broom for defense and ran down into the basement. Water was pouring over the floor underneath the fixed shower stall.

I told the plumber about this new development and he has told me that my shower has to come out, that it’s leaking into the walls or something. I’m convinced that I don’t need a plumber, that an exorcist would work just fine. But calmer heads attached to functioning nerves have prevailed.

The plumber comes again tomorrow and I’ve stocked up. I have tranquilizers, earplugs and lots of whiskey. If you don’t hear from me again, send the army, or better yet, the navy. I’m sure they could use the live-fire practise.


15 thoughts on “Homeowner’s Bliss, Part 2”

  1. Laughing out loud! Although I know who stressful this situation is. Thank goodness your sense of humor is (still ?) intact. Humor always helps lessen the seriousness, but I am still wondering what a “temporary” plumbing “fix”. You know, I have a great friend who is single. She has always said if she were to marry, she wanted to marry a plumber. She thinks they make good money, and they are always in need. I wish you the best!! Keep the humor coming 🙂

    1. Yes, I’m still hanging on to my sense of humour, if only by one fingernail 🙂 I don’t understand this temporary stuff, either, but it’s apparently standard practise on the more complicated jobs, or so I hear from a couple of better-informed friends!

      Thanks for your good wishes!

    2. Hi Kimberly – I somehow missed responding to your comment until now. Sorry!

      Thanks for your supportive comments – yes, I still have my sense of humour but my shower is still not working; I have to gather the strength (and the money!) to do a major investigation 😦 Thank goodness the bathtub works.

      I plan to do another post about my water works once this problem is really fixed!

  2. It never rains… Honestly, I swear plumbers just wrench pipes about and screw your plumbing deliberately – once they start there is no end – ever…
    Not that I want to worry you 😉
    Anywho, I’m not sure what netherworldly knowledge is, but it sounds bloddy rude! Do share!

    1. Sorry to be so one-track, but the only netherworldly regions that I can conjure up right now are those containing my pipes! As I type this, my dear M is lying in bed and asking, “What’s that noise?” Finally, a witness … 🙂

  3. OMG This was wonderful Lyn! Your poor baby going through this though 😦 I worked for a plumbing/electrical company and yes unfortunately temp fixes are done to get you up and running (pardon the pun) If it’s leaking back into the walls, the pipes are shot..cracked..stuffed whatever terminology you choose and will need replacing, which unfortunately means you are up for a new shower – tiles etc… 😦 Other wise if you don’t, every time you shower the water will just run all behind into the walls and cause more havoc 😦 Ahh rambly the bearer of good news..now where’s that whiskey??

    1. Thanks for the explanation. 🙂 I’m not looking forward to having the shower ripped out – it was only installed a year and a half ago. I’m suspecting some bad workmanship as opposed to worn out pipes in the walls, but I also know nothing about this stuff. Anyway, I gotta do
      what I gotta do, and I guess it’s a new shower!

  4. Ugh. Sigh. Awful, awful, awful. Dont’cha just hate how smug these dudes are? I guess it comes with the whole being completely-stinkin’-rich thing….

  5. This was hilarious (to read about, not to live through, I’m sure!) I love the fact that WWII was being re-enacted in your basement, and you were told Ah, nevermind, just have a drink!

    1. Thanks for coming by, happyzinny! Your comment to Speaker7 was pretty funny, too. 🙂 I guess by their standards, what was happening in my basement wasn’t too serious – it’s just so irritating!

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