The Seasonal Narcissist … Or, How to Survive a Holiday When There’s a Narcissist Underfoot

You don’t have to be married or partnered with a narcissist in order to have one in your life. Studies show that almost a quarter of us have to interact with  narcissists, although that may just be peripherally. If that’s the case, dealing with them becomes much more difficult because they are likely to be in your life for a long time, if only intermittently. It may sound harsh, but once you make up your mind, you can usually get out of a spousal/partnered relationship with a narcissist, although if there are children involved, you may still have to deal with the narcissist for many years.

Nevertheless, many of us have to, especially around special occasions, look out for what I like to call the seasonal narcissist. This is a person whom you may only see every couple of years or maybe a couple of times a year, since narcissists don’t like to hang out much with their families. He or she is a cousin, aunt, uncle, an in-law or maybe even a sibling, parent or grandparent. The fact that you don’t see the narcissist very often doesn’t make dealing with him or her any easier; in fact, as you probably already know, these narcissists can do a great deal of damage to whatever special occasion is under way.

The reason for this is that special occasions are just not their thing. Special occasions usually involve having others around, sometimes lots of others, to say nothing of the fact that the occasion itself, no matter what it is about, demands attention. Those details can seriously steal their thunder; they know that they will be part of a crowd, or perhaps lost in the crowd. They may be called upon to help out with preparations, cleaning, cooking, washing dishes – things they don’t like doing unless they can get something out of it. Altruism is definitely not one of their traits.

Narcissism (Photo credit: videocrab)

If you think about it, you can see why any special occasion is an absolute minefield for them. They aren’t the centre of attention. They are not the “special ones,” the person with the birthday or wedding anniversary or Easter party or Bar Mitzvah. It’s not all about them. Since their families know them and have probably been exhausted by them, the narcissistic “show” is likely to fall flat and their projections will be ignored. They cannot manufacture a new “self”. They are literally very stuck; nothing from their bag of tricks will work.

For all of these reasons, they will hate to have to go to whatever event it is. They may get dragged there by another family member, the one who always wants to see everyone show up at these shindigs. They may have to go because otherwise it might not look right, and narcissists are all about appearance.  They may go simply for the bragging rights: “I organized all the games!” or, “Without me there singing and playing the piano, the whole thing would have been completely dead.” “My speech was killer!” and so on and so on.

And that leads me to what I believe you have to do to avoid a narcissistic-induced “scene” at your next event. You have to assign them some task or other that allows them to show off and get attention. Otherwise, you will have a mess on your hands.

As I’ve already indicated, these narcissists may feel hemmed in by the fact that nothing from their bag of tricks is working. They may feel as if they are lost in the crowd. They may feel deflated and sorry for themselves. And this is dangerous, because then they will attempt to get attention in any way they can, no matter how negatively or inappropriately. Your event could be completely derailed.

I recall with much distaste the birthday party that I organized for my closest friend and held in my home while I was married to my ex-narcissist. There were some twenty people in attendance, including her children, a number of her friends and a couple of her colleagues. I seriously cannot think about this event without shuddering. All was going well until my narcissist started to very loudly chastise my friend’s son over the courses that he was taking in order to get into medical school.

According to Harry, Evan (my friend’s son) was shirking his academic responsibilities and shouldn’t be allowed into medical school with such foolish courses in his background. This then lead to a tirade about the general watering down of academic requirements and about how much tougher Harry had it when he went to university (supposedly he had to chisel his essays on stone tablets, which of course taught him the value of struggle and determination, something that today’s students also don’t have), that his degree was therefore much more valuable and was in fact the equivalent of  a PhD.

Utter nonsense, of course. He attended a respected university and got an undergraduate degree in engineering.  An academic accomplishment and achievement, yes, but certainly something that many other people have also done.

The business of shouting their “distinctiveness”, especially where their intelligence and academic prowess is concerned, is a common narcissistic trait. Harry rounded out his rant with a treatise on how Evan would never get into medical school and didn’t deserve to.

He only started to wind down when one of Julie’s (my friend whose birthday it was) colleagues started to call Harry on what he was saying. Julie and her colleague are both university teachers and are very familiar with the entrance requirements for medical school – something Harry had forgotten. As Julie’s colleague calmly started to defend Evan’s course choices, Harry began to seeth. He attempted to continue his bluster but eventually gave up. He walked out and didn’t return until after the party was over.

You can imagine what this did to the happy party vibe. We attempted to get back on track but that really didn’t work and the party fizzled out with most people leaving quite early. The worst part was the pity and curiosity that I could feel being directed at me. Their questions were floating around the room inside of big cartoon bubbles. “What is she doing married to that guy?” “Where did she meet him?” “I wouldn’t want to be her when he gets back.”

When Harry returned, however, he was contrite. In one of those flashes of insight that Harry is capable of, he realized how awful his behaviour had been and he regretted it. He thought about writing  letters of apology to Evan and to Julie. Like all of Harry’s good intentions, however, the idea disappeared.

The fact was that Harry’s momentary contrition only came to the forefront because he had gotten what he needed and was feeling better. Soon, though, his desire for more attention and his firm belief in his own superiority eclipsed his sense that he needed to make amends and he sidelined the idea of the letters. Does that make him sound like an addict? Yes. In many ways, narcissists have very similar characteristics to  addicts and vice versa.

So here’s what you have to do if you’re dealing with a seasonal narcissist: first of all, as I’ve already mentioned, give them  highly visible, “important” tasks that will generate lots of attention. He could give a speech or present the gifts or play the piano or do a skit. Play into your knowledge of the narcissist and what he thinks he’s good at.

Be sure to fuss over and flatter the narcissist. If you have to lie, lie. Remember, you’re only doing this for one evening or afternoon or whatever and in this case, lying is the better part of valour. You can go to confession or expiate your lies later. Compliment his hair, clothes, weight loss, new job, whatever. Leave him with the impression that he’s the most important, smartest, best looking person in the room.

Assign someone to stay with the narcissist at all times and to keep him under control. This person should be completely aware of the mission and should be able to indulge in flattery, fussing and outright lying without throwing up. This “shadow” person will also need to ensure that the narcissist does whatever task he has been assigned. Narcissists are usually very undependable.

In the lead-up to the event and on the day, ask for his advice (be careful not to ask him to do what he might consider to be menial tasks) as to how things should be done, organized, carried out, and so on. Publicly acknowledge his help and how you couldn’t have done it without him. Gag later.

Designate someone, particularly someone who has good diplomatic skills, whose job it will be to get him out of the room as quickly as possible if he starts haranguing, pontificating, ranting, shouting or in other ways seeking inappropriate attention.

I can’t guarantee that any of these strategies will work; I’m only improving your odds. The one thing I do know, however, is that when it comes to dealing with narcissists, you can’t be too prepared, so be sure to prepare for this narcissist as much as you would for any other aspect of your special occasion.

Good luck!

One note: my apologies for my frequent use of the male gender when describing narcissists. I don’t mean to offend anyone. Statistically, however, the vast majority of narcissists are male and it is more likely that you will encounter a male narcissist rather than a female narcissist.

15 thoughts on “The Seasonal Narcissist … Or, How to Survive a Holiday When There’s a Narcissist Underfoot”

  1. Wonderful post! I am not surprised that almost 1/4 of us have a narcissist or two in our lives. I am continually amazed, however, at the amount of energy narcissism requires to “manage” from all of us. Holidays, as you point out, are special trigger points for narcissists. Actually, anything with any emotional charge seems to be too much for a narcissist to handle. Thinking of my own interactions, I think when these “special events” happen, not only are the skills of the narcissist unable to cope, but those of us who normally “take care” of the narcissist are also pushed to our limits. We now are not only trying to manage the narcissist, but also the energy of the special event happening. It all becomes too much. I love your idea of assigning someone to shadow the narcissist and make certain he or she does not “lose it” . 🙂

    1. It is amazing, isn’t it, what we have to resort to to get those people under control, and even then, our efforts don’t always pan out. And yes, we do wind up pushed to our limits.

      How are things going with the “toffee lady”?

      1. Oh, gosh, thank you for asking 🙂 I had to smile at your comment. As you know with any narcissist, we are learning to detach and take it one day at a time. Because narcissists create such unreal fantasies, it is absolutely impossible to anticipate or control. Of course, I do worry now that the holiday season is over, what will her “new business’ be?? 🙂 take care!

  2. Reblogged this on Madeline Scribes and commented:
    I have had to deal with a seasonal narcissist for many years now. Unfortunately, my patience wore thin after so many ruined holidays. Now there is just the ultimatums and threats of not showing up in an effort to make the rest of us suffer. This backfires because these holidays end up being the most peaceful and drama free holidays I’ve witnessed in almost 15 years. I pandered and cajoled for a long time before deciding to take myself completely out of the equation. And this writer is correct because once the focus was taken off of the narc, they set about on a mission of negative destruction and continued throwing tantrums and demanding attention through means of cyber bullying, lying and blame shifting.

  3. This article resonated so completely with me Lynette that i reblogged it over on Madeline Scribes. You can see my intro in the comments here.

    This year was fraught with the threats and has escalated back to how she handled the holidays last year, which was she reposted the nasty, malicious song she wrote and performed on Youtube about how she thinks of me and she stalks my blog now on a daily basis. She is so caught up in “it’s all about me!!” that she can’t even control her own impulses anymore.

    I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s tiresome and unnecessary to babysit a 40 year old woman during the holidays. And this one is a deep hole of need. If you give in an inch, she’s going to ask for a mile. It became neverending and I eventually had to cut off all contact so I could live my own life.

    I don’t miss the aggravation, but now she is resorting to cyberbullying and blame shifting.Now it’s my fault she can’t show up for special occasions. Oh well. I guess the post she made on Facebook back in 2011 is finally coming to roost. She posted that we were all crazy and she wanted to be adopted by another family. I think some folks should be careful what they wish for.

    1. So sorry to hear about this. They really are a tremendous drain, aren’t they? But hang tough and don’t respond. You know how they are. I got an email from my ex-narc in the summer after more than a year of non-contact. I knew that he was just fishing for a bite but it was tempting to mail back and tell him to f**k off. That’s just what he wanted to me do, of course, so I was careful not to. I just try to take it in stride and not think of him at all, but it’s sometimes so difficult not to.

  4. Interesting post and excellent clarification of the toll narcissists take on the peoplw around them. I would avoid catering to the narcissist however.

  5. You are so patient. I ran out of patience. I told him if he ruined any more of our special days, I would retaliate in kind. I know this is not very charitable but it worked. I have zero tolerance for nonsense from these beings nowadays.

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