How Are Your Boundaries Holding Up?

Narcissism 101

Narcissism 101 (Photo credit: Lynne Hand)

One of the great things that this blog is forcing me to do is to think through the “relationship” that I had with my narcissist, and as a result, to think through other prominent relationships that I’ve had in my life, as well. It’s useful to take a hard look back, to see what I’ve done and not done, to see when I behaved and misbehaved, to see what I learned and didn’t learn. The saying that hindsight may be 20/20 but that it’s also only for assholes, is wrong, I believe. Otherwise, as with any history, if we don’t learn from it we’re doomed to repeat it. Okay. So I’m finished now with the d’Arty-Cross cliché review. Nevertheless, it’s important to every now and then do some looking back, as long as it’s not obsessive or overly critical and as long as the intent is to apply whatever you get out of this exercise only to yourself – don’t do any narcissistic projection! So today, I’m going to leave off  the defining that I’ve been doing and share with you one of my behaviours, a behaviour that I was only barely aware of, that lead to my involvement with a narcissist. It was only through looking back that I really got what it was that I was doing, or should I say, not doing.

I had trouble with setting boundaries. Not that I was crossing other people’s boundaries, no; certainly not any more often than most people, and it usually happened inadvertently. I had trouble stopping people from crossing mine, especially the people I love. So yes, this boundary thing wasn’t just confined to my interactions with narcissists, it was a character trait, a way of being with those whom I love/loved. I am referring to it in the past tense, but I shouldn’t do that because it’s still very much in existence; it’s just that I now have it on a leash.

Boundaries. We think we know what that word means; I thought I knew what that word means. But if there’s one thing that I learned from my narcissist, it’s that I had very poor personal, mental and emotional boundaries and was utterly clueless that I had an issue with them. I was a “yes” person of the highest order. “Yessir!” unquestioningly, and unquestioning; that was me. I thought it was my function in life to run around after everyone else’s needs, to fix, to be on call for whatever had to be done, even if it made me feel undervalued, angry, disrespected or just plain pissed off. I didn’t know how to say “no” and felt that even if I tried, I wouldn’t be heard.

Now, this makes me sound like some sort of doormat or puppet, but really, I wasn’t. I was a respected professional person with a great deal of responsibility who had absolutely no trouble with saying no at work. But love relationships? That was an entirely different story.

My upbringing conditioned me to say yes to pretty much anything I was asked. Both my parents were WWII veterans and their sense that they were providing a much better life for me and my siblings caused them to think that I sort of “owed” them by behaving well, which meant that I had to do as I was told or asked. It sounds like I am blaming them for this but that’s not how I feel. I believe in taking adult responsibility for my behaviour; in the end the problem’s genesis didn’t matter because I still had to deal with it anyway.

My parents were products of their generation and believed what they were doing was best. To them, my siblings and I were raised in the lap of luxury and had nothing to complain about. However, they were setting me up to be rather non-thinking where my personal boundaries were concerned and when this was followed by a marriage to an older man who expected the same, I started to see myself as a lesser person who needed to take my direction from others. I see now that he was occasionally very disrespectful, but over time I had begun to buy into his treatment of me.

Eventually, I became afraid (see my post “Is There a Narcissist in Your Life?”) of making my own decisions about interpersonal boundaries. It seemed like everyone else knew better than me and I began to rely heavily on the mental and emotional judgments of others with respect to how I should behave.  For a long time, I did not recognize this issue and went blithely on taking my emotional and mental boundary cues from others. It became a habit that was character-defining. Eventually, it also became a gap that my narcissist was able to easily recognize and exploit.

As always, the narcissist starts with baby steps. He began by asking me to pick up small items for him – he was working for weeks at a time in an isolated area – “on [his] dime,” as he always said. A pair of gloves, a book, some specialty shampoo. However, once I had given him these items, he just wouldn’t reimburse me. I chose not to see the issue. I chose to think well of him and to trust him. I was in love with him. But he had already crossed a boundary – a minor one, yes, but a boundary nevertheless.

Later, I was buying for him, on request, items that were much more pricey – tools, expensive clothes, a camera. After a while, he stopped working and then moved in with me. He asked me to pay a sizable debt of his and I did.

He flew to Toronto to deal with a legal issue and wound up stuck in the airport with no money and with no way for me to transfer any money. I flew there, money in hand, to rescue him.

He had an accident in his vehicle and started driving mine. Then the collection of photo-radar tickets started appearing – thousands of dollars of them. He wouldn’t stop speeding but kept using my vehicle anyway. He mistreated the vehicle and its condition started to deteriorate.

I still wouldn’t acknowledge the issue and continued to rationalize and minimize it and shortly after, we got married. We honeymooned in Hawaii because that’s where he wanted to go. I paid for it. Then the spending got really out of control. I was completely supporting the household, paying the mortgage, the taxes and the insurance while trying to keep up with the mounting pile of bills that he was generating.

He wouldn’t get a job or even look for one and preferred to do “projects” around the house which mainly consisted of him taking something apart and not putting it back together or only partially completing it. As usual, he had to spend a lot of money on the proper tools for these projects, with me footing the bill.

He is a car hobbyist of sorts and also started spending money on all kinds of parts and pieces for it, many of which had to be shipped in, in one instance from as far away as Australia. Again, I paid.

My stress levels began to go through the roof. I am not wealthy by any means and I began to really worry about how significant our debt was becoming. I’m sure you can see where the lack of boundaries had gotten me. I finally was forced into calling a halt, at which point he returned to work. Not to help out with the household expenses or the debt, not a chance. It was so that he could continue to finance the luxury items that he wanted to purchase for himself.

I now understand how people get themselves into these abusive relationships and in my opinion, it begins because  there’s a lack of boundaries. Anyone with a strong sense of  herself is going to heed the warning signs – and believe me, they are always there – of narcissistic abuse (or any other kind of abuse, for that matter) and will tell that narcissist to take a hike.

But I was a fixer, a rescuer, a yes-person. I believed that if I loved him enough, if I was unconditional enough, everything would be fine. Look at the financial crap I put up with, and that was only part of it! I literally invested everything I had into him and was arrogant enough to believe that with me, he would find happiness. It was difficult to give up on him, to finally get him out of my life, because that meant that I was giving up on what I thought I knew about myself, that I was giving up on the dream, that I had to admit that I had been taken.

And that was scary. It was humiliating and I was afraid. Almost afraid enough to stay in it. But not quite.  Thank-you, good friends.

So, those of you out there who have been raised to be good little yes-people, beware. This particularly applies to women because we are  raised that way more so than men but this can also apply to men. If it feels like you’re being taken advantage of, and especially  if you feel angry or upset at what you are asked to do, listen to yourself and examine what it is you’re feeling. That’s your warning system kicking in. You may save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache.

23 thoughts on “How Are Your Boundaries Holding Up?

  1. Thank you for this post and your vulnerability. It really helps. I’m facing some of my own boundary issues and, although it is scary, I am beginning to feel the joy in freedom. Your post gives me courage.

  2. “I learned from my narcissist, it’s that I had very poor personal, mental and emotional boundaries and was utterly clueless that I had an issue with them.” Yup, this was me. But I wasn’t a yes person, I was more of a I-didn’t-get-it person. I didn’t get that when people said something crappy, they weren’t joking. I didn’t get that it wasn’t okay for people to be mean to me because I thought they were my “friends.” I excused a lot of things under the guise of friendship because I wanted them so badly and I didn’t know how to truly be one for myself. I wish there were a way to learn these things without going threw hell, but I am sure I will never forget what I learned. This blog is spot on in so many ways. Well done!

  3. When I started on recovery, I told myself that I will get to the boundaries part later. I knew it was coming up from reading other’s people’s blogs and that this was later stage for me. Maybe the understand of it was later however, what you said about it beginning with boundaries is so true. When it is crossed that tells you a lot in the beginning. I feel like my sense of boundaries was way off too and to finally feel and see it is uncomfortable. Shows just how off it has been. Great post! xxoo T Reddy

    • When I first started to examine this issue it was uncomfortable for me, too. You’ll do it when you’re ready to and once you get into it you’ll probably find that it’s not as bad as you thought it would be. Good luck and thanks!

  4. Pingback: The Importance of Boundaries « Reflections on Life Thus Far

  5. It sounds like you made some huge realizations about yourself, and how certain personalities feed on qualities that, with the right kind of person, make a beautiful relationship. Unfortunately, with the wrong person, those wonderful traits — thoughtfulness, unconditional love, acceptance and trust — can be twisted into something one-sided and unhealthy. I was married for 15 years and in a relationship like that (all your financial and emotional woes rang a bell) before moving on. I made many of those same realizations. I also vowed to keep the intentions behind the those qualities, which I felt were good, but to find the right person to share them with. Today, I have been married four years to that wonderful person. So cheers to you for discovering that journey and choosing to take it 🙂

  6. Your honesty with this is outstanding. So many of us can learn from how you laid out this situation. I especially liked how you brought up your upbringing, but not in a way to blame your parents. Having seen this pattern in my own life, it was refreshing to see that someone else had experienced the same. There is something in reading about another’s journey that ends up strengthening us on our own paths. Keep being so honest. It really helps 🙂

    • I’m so glad, Kimberly. It’s complete crap that we (and many others like us) have to deal with people like that, and for you it’s ongoing. At least I had an end to it. Stay strong, especially with your art which is so expressive and powerful!

  7. This resonates so much for me. My parents had a terrible marriage and I grew up mediating between them. I became an adult people pleaser as a consequence and have always genuinely felt that if I love people I am responsible for their happiness and must do everything to ensure it, even at the expense of my own emotional health. I am currently learning to be different but it’s hard. It helps to know that there are other people out there fighting similar battles. Thanks for this and your honesty in writing it. Thanks also for stopping by my blog. I look forward to reading more about you 😀

  8. Scary shit indeed. I spent years doing all the things my mother asked/told me to do, no matter how absurd or selfish, always angry and then carrying that anger around. Same for my father and his wife. It took a long time to figure out that I need to be happy and still help others — in that order! Dating a con man (yes) certainly taught me to shape up and set very tight, firm boundaries. I do, and much happier.

    • Good to hear. To some degree, I still have to fight with myself over it because there are lingering notions about how that might be the path to being liked … but that’s for another post! Thanks for coming by – much appreciated.

  9. Such a wonderful post! The boundaries are what got me as well. I have read enough to know. that we have to come to terms with what WE are missing because there is NO fixing what is missing in them.
    I have decided what was missing in me and what caught my interest was that I hadnt been told no by too many men before. The narcissist( in the middle of a second divorce) played a victim. Once I got in , there was no getting out bc I had so many why questions? So many about what I was doing wrong? THEN once I realized what I was dealing with? I was too stubborn to give up! which equaled more pain! I kept thinking..I will get revenge and tell this guy what he is really made of. I have yet to do that. I have cut ties, though and it was the best thing ever. WE NEVER GET THE LAST WORD!!

    • Thank you so much! 🙂

      Yes, narcissists are quite practised at playing the victim role; it’s part of their ability to project. Glad to hear that you have cut ties – unless the narcissist is someone you have to tolerate, your children’s parent, for instance, it’s the only way to deal with them.

      Good point – getting in the last word with a narcissist is next to impossible.

  10. Great post! I’m only just beginning to actively and consciously think about boundaries ~( having and maintaining them)
    I’ve been a somewhat “yes” person myself in close relationship dynamics. I’m quite familiar with the vague boundaries condition and like you, Lynette, I believe they’re what got me into my narcissist relationships. Thanks for a good and enlightening read.

  11. Im still confused at times by boundaries. But it is so true that lack of them attracts Narcs to us and us to them. I think my Catholic education had a huge part to play in this. And I stiil have a lot of work to do as I can still feel scares and guilty for setting boundaries at times.

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    • You’re welcome. 🙂

      The very essence of being raised Catholic, particularly as a girl, is to blindly follow and do what you’re told. Boundaries are complete anathema to that. So I’m not surprised that you have difficulties and feel scared and confused. It’s soooo hard to deal with those built-in ways of being. I have to work at it every day, all the time. Keep trying, but be gentle with yourself, too. 🙂

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